Still Searching For The Warmth In Life :)

Moved.

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Today is January 26th, the one year anniversary of my service to my home (note I said home). Today is also the day that I reflect on times long gone, taking exceptionally long time on the diary and seemingly stares at nothing (I was thinking).

It helped a little to exercise, to numb the emotions with the pain of the muscles, screeching with every repetition. The burning ache afterwards is ironically pleasant. Since alcohol can no longer be the solution to my myraid of problems, tearing my muscle tissues again and again sesms like an easy alternative.

Okay, fine, to put it nicer: I just need to sweat it out.

It is 6 days to home leave. And the closer it gets, the greater the build up of tension and anticipation. With oceans of emotions sweeping onto me, it's hard to get anything done during these few days in camp. All I really want to do, is to sleep all this pre-event time away and hopefully wake up to my curtains, my bookshelves and the lovely aroma of my mother's cooking.

Indeed, I'm homesick, only because I choose to. It will be a right emotion now. Having it wash over me will complete the pain. And when the pain is complete, the healing will begin. My aim is to become whole again, in fact more than whole. I shall relive the magic.

What magic, you would ask? Have I gone so irrational that I am uttering nonsense? Perhaps. Sometimes. But not now.

The magic I am talking about is the simple experience of my JC years. I was not sure what happened, but whatever happened... was the greatest and most perfect combination of passion, ideals, values, friendship, love and happiness. I enjoyed myself tremendously, did all the right things and SUCCESSFULLY chased after my values.

I regret the present. That magic, whatever it is, seemed to have disappeared, bringing my faith along with it.

But about slightly more than 1 month ago, someone entered my life and changed a crucial part of me. Before this crucial turning point, I was ruthlessly engaging in addictions after addictions, confused about morality and my desires. This confusion led to a sort of split personality (okay, this is very self-diagnosed). I was a playboy when I was horny. I was guilt-ridden and torn when I sobered up.

"No one hurts people who are important to him. I don't know. Maybe you are different."

I was a teenager with raging hormones, an idealist with the wrong values and a perfectionist who believed in the wrong impossibles. I was simply, screwed up/fucked up.

One year and 2 months ago, I let someone tore my heart asunder.

One year ago, I entered the Singapore Armed Forces.

One year ago, my head was shaved bald, amid trembling hearts and quivering knees.

One year ago, I lug my M16 into the combat field for the first time.

One year ago, I realised war is hell.

10 months ago, I finished my training.

8 months ago, I turned from regimental policeman to storeman in "reputated hell".

7 months ago, I received the opportunity to go overseas.

5 months ago, I made the choice.

3 months ago, I left home.

3 months ago, I made my mistake.

2 months ago, I continue making mistakes.

1 month ago, she entered my life.

1 month ago, I heard I am going home.

1 week ago, I contemplated suicide because I couldn't take the rigors of life.

Today... I remembered the magic of times long gone, of times long before the one year. They will be back, I'm sure, regardless of the setting now. They will be back because I want to will them into being.

This is my calling, to lead a life of faith and ideals. This is my calling, to spread my life of faith and ideals.

This is my goddamn calling. And I am NOT losing my goddamn faith.

Remember the two dogs I told you about? We got a relatively rude shock when we came back from our 4 days tour and found Xiao Huang in a worse condition that we ever imagined.

To save your appetite, I purposely excluded a crucial info on what's happening with our dear little yellow dog, Xiao Huang. In truth, he was bleeding constantly, and the blood was dripping non stop from his most private part.

Yes, disgusting. Wait, you haven't got the worse part. Just this morning, majority of us awoke to find, well, him with his rotten testicles. Okay, now imagine, something bloody and rotting connecting to that thing and him non-stop licking it. Not very good for the appetite right?

So being the logical reacting person, I avoided him for the most of the day. I mostly stuck to Bo Bo, our black fat dog, patting him instead of Xiao Huang and all.

And imagine my surprise when the news spreaded that Xiao Huang was put to sleep in the afternoon. I don't know why, but of all my relatives who have died so far, it was a dog that made me want to cry. Yes, I know I'm a bastard. But you have no idea how detached I am from my relatives. I have hardly EVER talk to them.

Thank goodness it turned out to be a rude joke later. Xiao Huang is still alive, though weak and all. I hope he will turn out alright in the end.

Another thing... I swear I saw tears from Bo Bo's eyes just now and his unusually sad pacing speaks volumes about what he knew. And I nearly burst into tears when Bo Bo saw Xiao Huang came back and he went over to lick him.

It's kinda weird to feel such emotions over dogs.

There is this undeniable attraction with snapping away photos on a trip. If you were to observe any groups of tourists, one would never fail to observe that they would have at least one man playing the role of photographer.

I always liked looking through photos of myself, doing crazy stunts, happily smiling away and in embarrassing candid situations, so much so it's considered excessive vainity. For this trip alone, I have taken over 500 pictures over the span of a mere 3 days. It's damn irritating that of all these photos, there's hardly many that feature me in it.

Well, face it. I hate taking photos alone against some significant monument of history or some incredible scenic. Uh uh, I'm not some old tourist looking for serenity and would just go wow on some simple incredible acts of nature. I'm different. I like taking photos of people, in different acts and in different emotions. Having the same damn pose, just with backgrounds changing all the time, ain't exactly motivating to my photography habit.

That is why, as I was taking my photos, I felt a little tinge of missing Wei Liang, Wei Yuan and the whole gang of crappers. With them, no appearance would be embarrassing and no inhumane deeds would be considered illegal. We literally have fun taking photos, being so close together we could take funny poses and expressions without fear of embarrassment.

The time now is 5.34pm, 23rd of January and I am located somewhere in the middle of Taiwan, and definitely somewhere above sea level. And I'm going home in 10 days.

2nd Feb: Leave Taiwan at roughly 8pm

3rd Feb: Arrived in Singapore around 12am

Effectively minus one day from my 14 days already. More than 12 days home leave.

Head feels like crap from the clubbing.

Today I was planning my calendar for that home leave of 14 days. It's rather packed and all.

Technically speaking, I wouldn't have much sleep or time at home. I would be running around a lot!

Yes I have that energy. I did rather be killed than missed out on this 14 days.

But... As I was planning on and on... I started to realise I kind of dread 16th Feb.

14 days... is not enough.

I love the cookhouse food here, mainly because we had a supreme chef and his two great apprentices.


Duck rice, chicken rice and seafood hor fan are all impressive to the max. Thanks to them, I never really miss home food, simply because we do get the best here.

Hit list of food I would love to gobble up in Singapore:
1. Laksa in my neighbourhood
2. Wanton mee at old Chinatown
3. A warm steamboat with my closest friends
4. Reunion dinner with family
5. Geylang dim sum
6. Kway chap
7. Nasi bryani at Little India
8. Satay at Clementi
9. Oyster omelette
10. Claypot rice at Clementi

And hit list of things I would love to do associated with food:
1. Have a stayover with Rubbish and cook that marinated whole chicken. After which, no utensils allowed. We consumed the chicken as cavemen.
2. Picnic with 2/4 at West Coast but get caught in the rain in the middle of it, and rushing to MacDonalds to continue the board games.
3. Trying to start a fire of a BBQ but having the ladies of OG21 sitting at one corner hardworkingly gossiping away.

It's burr cold today. Maybe I should thank the weather too, since it keeps me in camp unable to spend money. :(

People... are weird.

Some of them have very serious problems. Divorce of their parents, death of a child...

Sure, there's reason to cry, but there's no reason to think life is at it's end. With it's varied spectrum of concerns, which are major areas like love, career, finance etc etc, there's really no reason why one think life is at an end when one factor collapse.

Oh sure, all major areas in our life are interconnected. But there's no reason for one to affect tons others. We can't be that fragile.

Some of them have very minor problems, yet they choose to amplify it.

How many blogs have we read that are full of pain, angst and screaming of help? Do we really like the pain so much? Do we crave pity? Or do we crave being a major character in a dramatic role?

I stumbled across the web today, and I didn't really find a person who's really happy and strong, full of faith and all.

I think sometimes, we forget we are much stronger than we think we really are.

5 dollars per suggestion...

1000 dollars per month...

An inspiring story of how a clerk earn his additional $1000 pay. If I did that, that did be $2700 a month... yummy.

3 more freaking weeks!

With grandeurs of hope I flew,
Ever in anticipation of treasure beyond the golden shores.
Confident I was,
But in fear too I dwelt,
I was still willing to go,
Ever in the enroaching darkness.

Adult life is scary.
It shatters upon us like waves upon rocks.
Each time gaining a bit,
But each uncovering reveals thicker granite beneath.

Light always prevails over darkness,
And I ever was so close,
To condemnation and torture,
But miracles are the antidote of misery.

I'm here for you,
And you here for me,
Though miles of ocean is our gulf,
Our hearts still mingle together,
Magically and invinsibly.

Through temptations, trials and storms we will go,
Faith and love shall be our shields,
Our heart shall be our sword,
I shall have faith in this love,
And you too should do unto me the same.

This be our own fairytale,
Happy endings exist to all fairytales,
And as thus we shall be happy, cheerful and sad together,
No mountains shall you climb without me,
No devil shall touch you with my soul as barriers,
And no grief of yours will go unshared as my heart beats.

Hereby I devote myself to you,
Forever and ever.

I thought Xiao Huang and Bo Bo didn't give a damn who's stranger or friend,
As long as they had food with them.

But they proved me wrong when a Taiwanese soldier came into our area to ask us directions.
They barked like nobody's business.

I'm starting to have more faith in our unofficial dogs again.
Frankly, I prefer them to warn me of approaching ghosts than anything.
That one, I really scared of.

I wish to be more active online.
I really do.

We have two dogs, no make it four, that could be named our camp residental dogs. Sure, there are many, many, much more in the surrounding areas. But never have I pass a day in camp without seeing them.

Well, that actually just goes for the male ones. The two females are always extreme reclusive and would never ever get into 10 feet of a human.

Two males, Xiao Huang and Bo Bo.

Either one of them would always accompany us on patrolling.
Can't tell you how much we appreciate that amidst all the hauntings of our area.
Especially when fog rises up.
You have no idea how much it looks like the netherworld.

Now Xiao Huang is bleeding all over.
And he still can't stop scratching.
Makes me appreciate being sentient and all.
At least we could go for medical care.
He can't.

And Bo Bo is still shaking fleas all over the place.
He's more like wild boar than dog now.
Always charging seemingly at everything.
And dragging his body along the wall for some weird performance.

And did I mention those pitiful eyes of theirs whenever we are eating in public?
Sly creatures those two :)

Camp would never be the same without them.
Until then, have fun, you two!

Everyone is out for bowling activity today.
But on duty once again.

Well, at least I took the effort last night to clean up the bunk.
Now it's cleaner by 50 per cent.
But the dust haven't really settled down yet.

You have no idea how much I felt like vomiting when I was cleaning the bunk.

A ex-class chalet and another orientation programme! How could I miss out on all these when I go back on 2 February (yes, the flight's delayed)?

Plus lots of meet up with friends, dates with that special someone and a grand family CNY reunion dinner. I really miss those roast pork and abalone.

I will make sure I take a million pictures during that 14 days.

But I bet my room's super dusty now. Gonna blow away all those grey matter soon.

And yes, please anticipate my return. :)

New Year's coming and I don't have much money to spare since winter tour is coming before that. :(

I need to get really budget while buying tons of clothes for spring and Chinese New Year.

That's a distracting mission for a very free me.

Life is more than this, it must be. Of the arts, the faiths and the sciences, all point towards much more than living life as just a constant pursuit of fulfilling our desires. It's surely more than just... this.

Guard duty tomorrow again. How many times has it been? Ok, I lost count already. It's quite exciting to know that I'm finally in 2008 and it's just gonna be less than one year before the end of my tour here.

But frankly, I never accomplish much la. What I said about what build up myself and all, I never quite got down to doing it. Save money? I'm spending more than I earn monthly, even though it's still a lot.

Hmmmm, nothing much today. Spent most of my time middling with office computer, my laptop and my iTouch.

I soooo need to take photos again.

Just like now, I managed to use internet for hours and hours until 4am last night.

Download speeds are incredible! :)

Slept till way too late, somewhere around 12pm, of which I totally missed out on lunch. But I still manage to go to Tao Yuan to buy my iPod Touch. Now I can surf the internet with my music player. How cool is that?

I totally love my iPod Touch can? Along with my laptop, headset and maybe something else of which I cannot remember now.

Eyes are really painful now. Been using the internet too much. I'm going blind soon.

Damn it, Chinese New Year is coming and it's a damn big excuse for me to spend on clothes again.

And that trench coat is sold out. ARGH.

It's the damn feeling of lonliness again.

iPhone... An interesting choice for my next handphone. :)

Getting so into gadgets and manly pursuits nowadays. Okay, I'm gonna talk about them one by one.

Firstly, gadgets. Simply put, it's the feeling of functionality that rocks. Being able to whip out gadgets for almost every function, that's every man's dream. Yes, it may seemed like I'm becoming Mr Gadget, but I always have the dream of travelling on the road alone, with my trusty guns, cool and durable outfit and my nifty gadgets and tools. It's a masculine fantast, that's for sure.

Secondly, cars. I NEED to get a driving license. Almost everyone I know have one. Okay, everyone I am knowing nowadays are older. But what the hell, that's not stopping me from getting my license as soon as I get back to Singapore.

Actually, I can even get it here, just that I need to extend my service to December.

And I would get a motorcycle too. Yes, my parents will kill me before I get one. But I'm really dreaming of getting one, and I promise I will drive slow alright?

Thirdly, I'm changing my fashion style to casual mature once and for all. Despite my constant hard work and denial, it's not looking very nice for an old-looking man to dress in colourful, loud, beng and kiddish Taiwanese clothes.

And ditch the bling bling.

I saw one trench coat which I definitely need to buy and one long sleeve shirt with cardigan which I am getting for home leave just yesterday. But they are all pretty branded stuff. So I may just need to watch my wallet a little more (speaking of which, I'm jealous my officer bought a white Gucci wallet).

Someone's going to Australia tomorrow. Hope you will have fun and all and don't you dare crash in that place. If you do, just give me a call or something. At least rant to me.

26 days left!