Still Searching For The Warmth In Life :)

I think... I need a role model now now now!

I'm confused as to where my life is going. It would be good if only it was made more clear for me.

Don't you sometimes wish you were certain you were doing the right thing and the future would look good if you did the right thing? It was easy back then to expect that if you concentrated fully on studies, you were doing the right thing.

But what happens when you finished studying and enlist in the army? What are your piorities and areas of focus now?

I used to have my parents remind me of my morals, ethics and future. The thing about independence is... you also need to get a future for yourself out there.

Very confusing life I lead.

CONGRATULATIONS IVY TAN!

I shall not reveal any further, but boy oh boy, am I proud to see you as today. You certainly have grown up.

Actually, I look upon you as a friend more than a puny, little junior in those days.

So can don't torture me next time?

I find that my favourite way of doing exercise was to hit in fast and come out super tired. To put in more detail, I had to do warm up and love to start sets of exercises after another to push my limits of my lungs to the max.

I think its the adrenaline that helps. I get sleepy and lazy when I stop for too long between reps, and that often lead me to getting out of the gym early.

But then, I also want to be bloody muscular leh.

Exercising days.. here I come!

I got a little over-stressed today during work. It got till the point that I felt like screaming at my customers, though screaming at them would strain relationships and would be counted as an offence in my organisation.

So I kept my cool and tried as quickly as possible to settle their demands so that I could continue on my work.

The difficult thing is that running a customer-oriented store has two areas to it. Number one would be to deal with customers when they arrive and meeting their demands. Number two would be the endless backstage work that is done to ensure that the store adminstration and logistics run smoothly.

Few customers realise we have a number two to our job. Even worse, they sometimes forget they are not the only customer in the whole complex.

That's why I run out of time and energy and outstanding issues just keep stacking up and up.

It doesn't help that I have no authority and knowledge to deal with most of them.

:(

Stressed leh.

I finally had the chance to get on the circuit, after endless reverse and parellel parking practices. But I think I managed to nearly kill my instructor about 5 times.

No, she did not vomit blood. But I did some really out of line movements, which technically speaking, if there was a car beside me, I would have rammed it like Burnout gaming.

Thank goodness I decided to drive damn slow during turning later on.

Anyway, my application for extension in Taiwan was approved a few days back. I'm now officially going back somewhere around this year's Christmas. I wonder if it would be a good present for myself and my dear loved ones? Hmmm...

Well, I can't wait for this frame to be over.

I want to complain. I haven't been getting much of a life in this past month. I initially thought I could go on working for weeks continously without rest.

Unfortunately, I think I need some off days again. I guess there really is limits to a human's ability to endure, no matter how disciplined he think he is.

Tired leh.

I realised that things in life must be earned and I tend to forget that fact. You don't get true friendships by sending a few messages and clicking a few things online.

Do you have another side of you that you are ashamed to show to the world?

I have.

I think I forgot the most important lesson I'm supposed to learn: appreciation.

I miss going down early in the morning to get MacDonald hotcakes,

jogging around the neighbourhood and into NTU when the sun sets,

taking a walk in the bustle of Jurong Point,

lazing around in my living room sofa,

surfing net on my own bed,

having people sms me to call me out on outings,

playing pool, warcraft and eating zhi cha with my male buddies,

hanging out at my college,

seeing my mum watch another hong kong police drama.

I'm gonna appreciate what's left at home.

I think I have an issue with superiority. It may have to do with my huge ego which comes into my way now and then. When I work under someone I don't see as capable or socially adequate, I tend to oppose his every move and despise him as a leader.

You can say that for me, you have to earn my respect to command me. Otherwise, I'm bound to climb over your head.

Still, I have no right to say anything in this organisation because after all, I'm in temporary service. And if we act as if we are in the old days, it's totally fair that a low-rank soldier like me be treated with unfairness, injustice and biasness.

But... I'm just not used to such a life. It's really got to do with my enlarging ego.

It's greatly distressing that you want to avoid someone whom you work with but you can't because you live just next door to him. And he just doesn't get the hint that you hate him and he should stop disturbing you.

There's so much human politics here it's making me dizzy. But thank goodness I got out of this circle of targets already. I'm more gossiper than the target of gossip these days.

Then again, you would never know if people are talking about you unless you overhear it. I think one good way would be to measure how much gossip of other people are going around.

That's simply because there can only be so many amount of people that can be gossiped about. And if there happens to be tons of chatter lately, most likely you ain't included.

On the other hand, the easy way out is to ask yourself how popular and well-liked you are.

I, for one, have long took my reputation for granted. Now it's down to the shitters.

At least all these would end in 9 months.

It's those dreams again. Those dreams in which you wake up, terrified and feeling totally ripped of your outer shells.

It's those times when your tough image disappear totally and you wish you were a little kinder, better to everyone else because you just experienced being bullied, manipulated and being forced into a state of undeniable fear.

I think I should be nicer to some campmates. And towards girls too.

I think I got enough sins written in my book. Apologies aren't enough. They haunt me even now.

That's how much things you realise from a dreadful dream. I don't want to lose everything. I need to stop that side of me.

I think it's due time for a great blog makeover!

Now updated with Blogger 2.0 functionality and a simplistic, serene blog template! Makes you go sleepy and peaceful upon viewing it. What more can you asked for a lullaby-like effects online?

:)

Yesterday I did my second driving class here in Taiwan, together with my fellow campmate. It's surprisely fun to have him in the same car, because we could playfully mock at each other and give support and encouragement when we couldn't make the correct turn or a perfect brake stop.

We completed reverse parking and parallel parking already, which was a rapid advancement for me considering that I was still learning how to control my clutch pressure just one day back. Well, they did say Taiwan driving lessons are more lenient.

In a way, I feel that the instructors are teaching us how to pass the test instead of teaching us how to drive. Then it's gonna get all dangerous when I get on the real road with a newly acquired license. I have a projection I was going to get crushed in between by two military tonners.

The first lesson was terrible. I have anxiety attacks whenever I need to perform something practical in front of another person. That's why I suck at sports, because I was always stumped by immense fear when it was my turn to go. That's why I was always laughed at in Chemistry lessons, when I had to take a go at mixing some chemicals in the lab.

Anxiety attacks... is a little known fact about me. Nobody really know about it, not even of my closest friends. It's been a stumbling block I have trying to conquer for years.

The weekend has arrived again and notably, it's another week gone in here. It's bad enough that I have been dreaming of people back at home. Now I'm starting to count in my head the number of days left. It's just... not enough to tell myself it's gonna pass quickly. The feeling of missing home is inevitable.

Anyway, I'm really curious about how some people are doing back at home. I haven't talk to some in a really long time.

Sometimes I get the feeling of disgust towards the ugly things I see now that I have been exposed to them. It's so extreme that it's leading to a split personality feeling.

I think I'm going insane.

I need a God.

Good things:

Self motivated.
Getting rid of clutter.
Doing the right things.

Bad things:

Nostalgic about the past.
Missing home.
Back aches.

Standing in awe before the majesty of giant containers, overseeing a valley of rolling battle tanks and living and working on par with people of different age groups and backgrounds, I realised pleasantly how far I have come.

I enjoy going out alone in Taiwan, especially to places far away (but not to the extent that I can't come back in time). It's almost like the feeling of backpacking, where you depends on nothing but what you have brought along, your available cash and your wits to survive.

I really like that feeling, that you could rely... on your own strength to live.

Perhaps this occurs with all men, as depicted in our history of adventurers, exploreres and varied culture warriors. As much as I enjoy reading a good book in my safe and secure bunk, I too relish in the danger surrounding me when I go out, unprotected and vulnerable.

Well, it's weird, I know.

Control of your emotions in situations, excellent work productivity, great possession of knowledge and wisdom, high social intelligence and financial literacy are a few of the pinnacles of strengths that I envisioned to be important. And being strong is very important to me, for a number of reasons too long to disclose here.

So now, I'm heading back to books, self development and passion pursuing, as opposed to senseless entertainment like clubbing, drinking and shopping.

Just a little writing on what I'm thinking nowadays. :)

Keep reading, dear friends!

Just a little something to show you what I have been up to in Taiwan!

I think it's because the fact that enlisting in the army is compulsory for all males that we take things a little too easy. For example, much of us train with the mindset that the day we would put our rifle to use would never come.

Many of us would also never envision a time when we really have to point a rifle at someone (it's strictly a class A offense to point a rifle at someone in training) and truly squeeze off the trigger. That is the same for many other machinery of the army, we treat them as representations of a time we pictured as mere fantasy.

These all, despite the fact that we DO train with real, live rounds. We have the ability to kill. Each of us is given a rank, a unit and a vocation. Each of us has our own personal rifle. Each of us is supported by expensive, complicated machinery such towering tanks and gigantic transport vehicles.

So, why and why, are we not proud of ourselves as soldiers?

I don't think the answer to that question is important, because after all, the question would be irrelevant when war comes. The day blood is shed would be the day we grow proud of the privilege of being a soldier, armed with the ability to defend and protect what we believe in and love.

That part... I can be proud of.

Cold, relentless, never ending rains...

Coupled with crazy winds,

This is a nightmarish landscape.