Today I wake up and for the thousandth time, lament about my shallow and pathetic life here in Taiwan. In truth, this shallowness has persisted ever since I joined the army. It has gotten even more intense ever since I left my loved ones in Singapore.
Incredibly, even as I grow up and become stronger in person, challenges continued to be thrown at me to change, evolve and most importantly choose. I have never been given the responsibility to completely make the decisions I want in life, mainly due to my parents' nagging, peer influence and my standing in my social circle.
It's simply too costly to just suddenly make a choice everywhere else don't like.
Choice is a dangerous thing, and I realised this morning, among so many mornings, that I regretted the many choices I make yesterday. Yet, being fickle minded beings, we rarely keep out wisdom in mind and once again, commit the same mistakes again and again.
I do not know what is right and wrong. Perhaps there is no right and wrong. No one can dictate the moralities of life unless he is the architect of life. Sometimes we go according to our instincts, but most people do not realise they follow society standards more than anything.
Then again, I'm not here today to argue what's wrong and what's right. I have long given up on that senseless debate.
Right now, I want to seek back the riches of life. I want to put a stop to my shallow lifestyle.
Oh, and do me a favour. I know you are concerned for me, but it's really nothing. It's just part of growing up. I learn, I grow, I make mistakes and I end up being fine again. Please do not provide advice to me this time round. You have not seen the things I have seen and likewise, I do not see the things you have seen.
This thing is mine alone to overcome. But I would still thank you for standing by me and encouraging me.
It's been 7 months since I'm been here and I'm really sad that there's still so much work regarding my store that needs attention to. Frankly, if we were to undergo a strict inspection now, we are bound to fail it, in my opinion.
Sigh. So much work and so little rewards for it except the fact that it would boost my ego if I were to bring the store status back up to 90 per cent.
But this is nothing compared to the amount of work people have to do back in China to counter the effects of the earthquake.
I'm proud to announce that yesterday, I did my first TRUE SAI KANG!
I spend the whole hot morning using a shovel to dig out wet soil and rubbish from drains, killing about 500 FAT earthworms in the process. Then again, earthworms don't die when they get cut in half, I just made 500 into 1000.
And they had to cook lor mee at cookhouse for lunch later. It's not very nice to eat long wriggly things after you slaughtered 500 long wriggly things. Not very polite.
National service is truly a great experience, isn't it? :)
And oh yes, got my driving license, which I announced once already. But this time, I must announce I GOT MY DRIVING LICENSE louder.
I am so so so missing eating at Singapore kopitiams. But then, good lah, cookhouse food is the best here in the whole of SAF, that's what I think.
:)
I hate ranks, especially you can't do anything but agree to some atrocity your friend has committed. Not that I'm a great guy, but I do think some things are out of bound.
I guess life is just a matter of perspectives. Some people just don't see eye to eye with me. Actually, there are A LOT of people who don't.
Hooray, I got my withdrawal ability working again. I can go get a handphone tomorrow already!
:)
Dear friends, if you have been trying to contact me these few days, it might be a little bit impossible. In a very strange twist of fate, on the day I successfully got my driving license, I left my handphone in the washing machine for 30 minutes and subsequently, found my VISA card to be out of order.
So I lost all my contacts, lost my only ability to communicate over long distances and lost my cash.
I feel damn lost now la!
I actually am bored enough to continually stalk on blog archives of some old schoolmates and turned up some interesting laughs for myself. Anyway, here's my own take on a self-glorifying, shameless, teenager-fad quiz I saw somewhere.
1) Do you wish to get married?
Not before I get my finances steady, have a thousand ex-girlfriends and some terminal disease bad enough for me to get committed.
2) What do you want the most now?
A never ending onslaught of trying life lessons!
3) Who is the person you trust most?
My mother, simply because I can't imagine her thinking of anything except for my own good. Even if she does lie, it ain't born out of malice.
4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
Way not enough for the things I want to accomplish.
5) If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
Living a picture perfect life without the sad realities of life.
6) Are you satisfied with yourself?
Generally yes, although I would wish for bigger boobs... higher cheekbones. Okay ditch that.
7) What are you afraid to lose now?
My 20 years of precious memories.
8) Do you believe in eternal love?
No. Relationships are a sine curve, it's how you can last till the next uphill rise.
9) What would you do if he/she hugged you?
I'm assuming the question is referring to my romance other half? Generally speaking, the normal reaction is to hug her back. If it's a he and a stranger, I would raise hell.
10) Who do you wanna see right now?
Jessica Toh! (simply because I want to know how my best female friend is doing)
11) What kind of people do you hate?
I hate a lot of people. Westerners who snatch away my girls within 4 seconds, people with extremely low social intelligence and people who never seemed to grow up.
12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Sudden drop in confidence because of a catalytic event.
13) Do you trust every friendship of yours?
For those that are considered friends by me, I trust them.
14) Do you treasure your family?
AH BER THEN. Another answer would get me in hell's good books.
15) Do you like carrots?
I wager these are the carrots in the stick or carrot thing. Yes, I love carrots. If taken literally, no, I hate carrots.
16) Wat do you regret most in your life now?
Being born with scoliosis.
17) Why are you doing this quiz?
I wanted to show my readers a little unique update about my thinking and personality.
18) Why is it difficult to let go of the one you love?
That sickening big ego that never gets full unlike a common biological human stomach and that fragile little soul that feels you would lose a piece of yourself.
19) Who are the people who have stood by you when you really were at the worst point of your life so far?
Frankly, I spend my worst point of my life alone.
20) If you could live your life once again, what would you change?
My hairstyle back in the 90s.
There was one scene from Saving Private Ryan that left a great impression on me.
Towards the end of the movie, Captain Tom Hanks and his men was once again assaulted on an open field, upon which someone heroic (I can't remember which one) threw a grenade at the enemy and ended it all. The short gunfight cost them one men in their already tiny squad.
And the men, who like all men when despaired in war, began to broke down and lament about the sanity of the entire mission. They argued whether it was reasonable and logical to risk so many men to rescue just one who may or may not already have died in the war of many years.
Captain Tom Hanks didn't answer that question directly, but he just mentioned that, and somewhere along that line as I recreate it:
"I just know I need to go home again. And I do know that the more people I kill, the further away from home I am."
I feel somehow... akin to him in that movie.
The more changes I experience here, the further I am away from home.
Can I ever go home?
22 December 2008: the day I will come home.
SO MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDAR AND GO PICK ME UP, ALL OF YOU.
Or else I will kill you.
There are times when everyone gets scolded, punished, gets guilty or commit a terrible mistake. I think those moments are inevitable in life, no matter how much we may dread it.
The best thing to do, then, is to get over the feeling quickly and realise the whole world doesn't hate you and think you are an idiot just because one person thinks that way.
But I really hate that feeling of showing I'm an idiot who doesn't think. I don't I'm smart at all. Not even in the least when I don't use common sense half the time I drive.
Sigh. I wish sleep could bring those away.
