Still Searching For The Warmth In Life :)

Procrastinating

2010-08-03T22:37:00.001+08:00

Procrastinating:

1. Exercising
2. Reading newspapers
3. Studying for that competition
4. Reading those books

Spend!

2010-08-02T20:11:00.000+08:00

Racing to complete as many forms as possible sure is tiring, but it's a great way to pass the time while earning some money for my upcoming expenditure.

Yes, I'm bent on getting my iPhone 4. I do hope stock will arrive in time for my August 20 purchase.

Combine that with the $200+ expenditure on textbooks, $200+ spending on The Hoax bag if it ever arrive and more loafers and clothes, I need all the money I can get!

But with YOG coming up, I wonder if I will amass enough money for my materialistic dreams.

One last chance to indulge myself before going back to being a penniless student! :(

Let's Dream a Little

2010-08-01T20:44:00.000+08:00

I un-deleted my blog today, propelled by a sudden craving to write to people who are willing to read.

It has become increasingly frequent that I can no longer find the opportunities to comfortably confide in another party. On my part, I have become more head-strong and pragmatic, and thus would not easily accept alternative views. On my friends' part, they do not share my values or perspectives and sometimes, can lead to nasty words being exchanged.

Frankly, I don't quite like where my clique Rubbish is heading. The teasing that used to be fun aren't that funny anymore. Recently, during our meet-up, I felt we held so different views that I might be better off saying less, lest I earn a rebuke from them.

I find myself trying very hard to find things to say that gain their acceptance. When someone needs to try that hard, it's sometimes very difficult to confide in your group anymore.

I'm not saying they aren't great friends. Our decade-old friendship is testament of our chemistry and group dynamics. But as I grew older, I began to walk a different path. As I answered my calling, I tried many different things and made many mistakes. Still, I eventually settled on different views of the world.

Though I am drastically different now, I think it's a worse situation now because I completely cannot find anybody to comfortably confide in. My past school semester was spent binge drinking, suffering from self-inflicted loneliness. My holidays were better, as I made myself busy with tons of work and freshmen activities.

But who am I bluffing? I don't want this life. Sure, pursuing academics and competing to be the best future banker makes me anti-social, but I wouldn't want to suddenly give all this up and go back to being a past version of myself. Therefore, I concluded I should continue to go forward and accomplish more dreams of a different nature.

I have always dreamed of a very close-knit family of my own, especially since I was never born with one. I want to work for the Economic Development Board after successfully pursuing my banking career. I want to become at least a managing director of a large, global banking firm. And after all these are done, I will settle down to be a professor at where I started: Nanyang Business School, effectively completing a good cycle.

I also want to have two bright, talented kids. Gender is irrelevant to me. They must be of good character and know humility even in luxury. I want to eventually have a private apartment in the city area, and drive a car of my own. As I grow richer, I would invest in more properties and develop a mini-rental empire of my own.

I admire my father and mother for their efforts to give me the best in local education. Coming from a working class background, I swear to break out of it and let future generations be groomed in better opportunities. Yet at the same time, I wish to do something for the impoverished people of the world (assuming I succeed in my career). Education, perhaps, would be something I want to give to them. I believe in giving opportunities to everyone. This world needs a lot more of that.

Tonight I will dream a little and hope that from the age of 22, every day will be spent moving slightly towards my ideal life.

ARGH

2010-05-22T12:40:00.001+08:00

I'm hardly myself.

Captivation

2010-05-21T13:47:00.000+08:00

I call it captivation. And sometimes I wonder what we ever live for is that which makes us most excited or even do the craziest darn thing about.

Going by the theory, addictive drugs and casual sex seems to be able to become main purposes in life.

But for many obvious reasons, they aren't the best pursuits for anyone.

What then, captivates you? What is a thing so simple that it causes disbelief when you tell another person that it totally enchants you?

Is it job satisfaction? Family: the smile on your future kid? Or is it love?

There are many things that captivates me in life. It can be the excitement of a new shiny iPad in my hands (which haven't happened), having a date with a lovely person, reading into a whole new idea in a book, feeling the sense of accomplishment after running 5km in the neighbourhood stadium...

Captivation.

And sometimes captivation can become extremely dangerous.

Avoidance

2010-05-21T09:26:00.000+08:00

Apparently, my eldest brother's baby avoided all attempts by the doctor to identified his/her gender yesterday. Ahh... I guess she's a girl!

Pictures!

2010-05-21T09:23:00.000+08:00

Been trying very hard to focus on this...

But end up watching this instead. I think Barney is awesome.

I even tried moving my laptop away from my main desk just to minimise distractions.

Talk Is Cheap

2010-05-03T01:02:00.000+08:00

Life is really about living in the moment. Don't seek to do what you should do today by pushing to tomorrow. Procrastination is the biggest cause of regret. And a good way to success is to be disciplined every minute of your life.

Of course, such extreme discipline can probably cause some dysfunctional stress. So it's good to forgive yourself and give yourself a clap on the back for a job well done everyday.

It's much better than slacking the whole day and panicking at the end of it. The power of the feeling of satisfaction is a great one.

Exams will end in 3 days' time and I will be free to once again pursue whatever I want, this time for 4 months.

I have made plans for getting a job, meeting friends and most importantly, self growth.

Last December, all my plans were ruined because I was simply procrastinating it off.

Then again, talk is cheap. I wouldn't tell how I'm going to be determined and all this time round.

What matters most is our actions.

Fall

2010-05-01T19:51:00.000+08:00

And so she private messaged me just to ask for our photos.

Do you think it was my fault that we broke up?

Surprisingly, I agree with you.

Drunk

2010-05-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

I admit, I have been drinking quite a bit every night during these exams.

I even drank the night before OB exam.

I like drinking because it nullifies the mind. When the mind is drunk, what takes over is the heart. No more reservations. No more thinking. No more fear.

What is left is the words that's really meant to be said, the regrets held in your heart...

I'm the type of person who likes to complicate things a lot and develop a lot of abstract theories. Yet, at the end of the day, I just find myself going in circles with no results to show.

I think this sucks.

I really think it do.

Drinking allows me to escape from my thoughts. To become another person. To become an idiot.

I rather be an idiot who dare to do things that are risky.

I think I'm going to get wasted the day exams end. Yes, I really need to drink till the point of vomiting. I think I will cherish the crap hangover after that.

So... any alcohol buddies?

We will drink our sorrows away. After all, life is about making mistakes. And death is making more.

Let's just keep making mistakes.

The Dark Knight

2010-04-29T19:27:00.000+08:00

The night is darkest before the dawn.

It was portrayed at the end of the movie Batman: The Dark Knight that Batman decided to bear the flags of a "dark knight" in order to wash away the crimes of Harvey Dent who, by the end of the show, has gone quite mad.

He understood that the city needed a white knight. And as much as he loved the city, he knew the metropolis would never take well to his means of exacting justice on criminals. Moreover, the white knight was the representation of the city's ideals. And if Batman did not take on those banners that night, the city would be thrown in chaos and people would lose hope and be gripped by terror.

And so the new dark knight rode off in his "Bat Cycle" into the approaching dawn at the end of the movie, with the city police in full pursuit of him. He would be deemed as a criminal, and for as long as it takes, he will be protecting the ideals that he bear so dear, at the cost of being pursued as a villain all his life.

Self Hate

2010-04-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

I am very angry now. And this post is a way of expressing how I feel, so I'm sure none of it will reflect what I feel when I wake up tomorrow.

I'm pissed with myself. I'm supposed to finish 5 chapters of statistics today. And for the whole day, I just took it easy and finish 1 chapter. At this point of time, 11pm in the night, I have 4 more chapters to go. GREAT.

And I hate myself for lacking the abstract ability to apply mathematical concepts to questions that require more than direct application. My mind can't seem to read the hints in the question. And I giving in to temptation to read the solutions.

And I hate myself for lacking mental endurance. I get tired easier than a old man. At 11pm, I feel like I'm brain dead, when all I done today was simple distribution calculations.

And I hate myself for sleeping again and again even when I know there's no time left before the Wednesday exam. 30 mins nap in the morning extended to 45 mins because I snoozed. Again, in the afternoon, a one hour I'm not even supposed to take extended to 1.5 hours.

And I hate myself for repeating the same mistakes I made last semester, taking it easy till the exams come. What happen to saying that I want to do test papers progressively throughout the course? Whatever happened to my ambition to do more than tutorial questions?

Even my hands hurt now, though I just but wrote a few pieces of paper only. My brain is undependable, my body is weak and even my limbs don't support me.

Right now, I just feel like I need a punching bag.

So what if I seemed overly ambitious? Try being ordinary like me. Try being born with a weird ideal that I must make it big in the future. Try try try. Try living my life. Try living in the shadow of brothers.

I am a poison to myself. The higher I reach, the more I want, and with my limited self, I only end up hating myself.

And what did you say? Try taking it easy? Ya, I try that. And what did I get? Nothing. God doesn't seem to be there. Try lowering your expectations and I lose all my competitiveness. I lose things inch by inch. I end up having crap. I end up losing and losing.

I'm pissed. I'm really pissed.

I hate the demon that's me.

Organisational Behaviour

2010-04-20T21:46:00.002+08:00

OB OB OB OB OB.

Letter from Someone Familiar

2010-04-16T17:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Delwynn Lee,

There is no point thinking so much. Life doesn't revolve around your thoughts. Even if you think hard enough and wish long enough, things don't happen that way.

Emotions will continue to run in you. So just shut your mind out as much as possible, keep busy and passively hope for the best. Life is full of worries. If you start worrying about everything, you are not living, but merely fearing for the next bad thing that might happen.

Your first exam will come in less than one week, and you have yet to prepare anything for that paper. Once again, you should not intend to worry. There's no point flipping around in bed all night. There's no point tearing your hair out.

If you're going to fail, accept it. What's the big deal?

You should just start accepting the things that happen and move on.

Thank you.

Lee Kok Mun

Focus!

2010-04-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

Okay, now I'm starting to read Chapter 11. That will take me 2-3 hours.

Then I will do tutorial, which will take me more than 3 hours.

Then I will do case study, which will take me 2 hours.

No, no, no. This is insane. I think I should just focus on one thing at a time.

Arguably the Most Important Post Ever

2010-04-06T19:54:00.000+08:00

It's in our natural tendency to increase our defensive desires as we face increasing challenges. As a child, few would hesitate to share a lollipop for the world seemed so full of lollipops that one less would not make life any harder. As a teenager, few would hesitate to share informations about project when everyone seems to be able to graduate into another level of schooling they are satisfied with.

As we grow into adults, the challenges came. In order to protect ourselves, many of us decide to take an easy way out. We start to think for ourselves increasingly. As much as we try to stay kind, as much as other people tell us how important it was to stay kind, unconsciously, we started living only for ourselves.

This is perhaps the trap I have fallen into.

I cannot blame any single event for my becoming. But I can perhaps highlight my apparent weakness in handling myself through this living opportunity I was gifted with.

Firstly, it was JC. The contest for popularity was raging. I wanted to be loved by my juniors, by my classmates. I wanted to be held to be famous.

Then, national service. Look out for yourself. If you start looking out for everyone, the physical strain is just too much to bear. Moreover, when you see that people just don't care, it doesn't motivate you one bit to help them.

Taiwan: Complete independence. You show signs of weaknesses, it's going to be embarrassing. When you are out in a foreign city alone, in the middle of the night, not learning to take care of yourself results in certain trouble. You start to look out for yourself. Who cares about that guy in camp who can't handle himself? I got enough problems to handle.

Moreover, as I delve into the twisted lives of many, the more I learn about the unfortunate happenings in this world, the more I am motivated to look out only for myself.

Girlfriend. Many of you may think that I did everything for her. Well, that was bullshit. I did everything for myself. I did everything because I wanted a girlfriend. I didn't even think twice before going into it because I wanted to show off I had a pretty girlfriend. I didn't give up when the long distance relationship was straining because I wanted to prove I can do it.

Break up. My thoughts: The world sucks. Don't think for anyone. Think for myself only. Grab something for yourself. It only serve to reinforce my hidden malicious thoughts.

University: Dog eat dog world. Competitive business courses. I wouldn't share my notes with you. I hope that you are out playing because that means I will win you in the next test. I hope that you don't even have enough sleep because I will do better than you.

But all these doesn't seem right. I just sunk deeper and deeper into nothingness. I felt my life to be meaningless everyday. Everyday was just another day of making more opportunities for myself. It became so tiring when I felt my world revolved around me.

Something opened my eyes today.

I think I have been living life wrongly. Why am I increasingly so fearful that I start to become so selfish?

I asked myself repeatedly: What kind of person is Delwynn Lee? Others may see me differently. But only I know the truth.

Selfish. One word. Selfish.

I think only for myself. I'm upset because things don't happen my way. I'm upset because people don't return their affection. I'm upset because other people are better than me.

Selfish.

What's the point of all these? In the end, I must realise that I was born into this world either by divine force or the coordinated science of nature. I had no right to be selfish. I had no right to just live this life for myself. Someone else gave me this life. Maybe my parents did. Maybe God did.

Someone else let me grow up. The world did. The community did.

Why am I living life everyday struggling to get more things for myself, better grades, a lover, more money... when in the end... I know that my life is very fragile.

God can take away my life instantly. Fate may decide I may never find happiness.

I'm not being pessimistic.

I just felt that... it's better to be living life selflessly, and also in a minor way, taking care of myself. That way, my life makes sense.

Just think about it. Why are we born? Why do we meet people like the friends we have? Why did we have a chance at a good education, to live in luxury and to taste wonderful food? Why? Why? Why?

It's a blessing.

While I will not suddenly go totally selfless and start giving out all my MacBook, iTouch and money tomorrow at lecture, I wish sincerely that if there is a divine force in this world, that He can keep me in this state, humbled and selfless.

At least this way, I suddenly feel the need to live again.

The right way to live... doesn't seem to be to find happiness.

It seemed to be to find happiness for everyone around you.

We are all imperfect creatures, and in centering our goals around ourselves, we only end up being frustrated because we will definitely be betrayed by our endless ambitions.

Thank you, God, for making me see this.

Do me a favour, don't let me wake up and next day and feel this whole post was just bullshit.

Make this the right way to live. My life really needs a turning point.

Good Game

2010-04-05T15:36:00.000+08:00

Focus focus focus!

Comm funds written assignment cui. Pass grade which means 50% only. It's 30% of my overall module leh. CUI! CUI! CUI!

But whatever la, I knew where I was wrong and I knew I wasn't competent enough to score higher. So I'm willing to admit defeat! I still remembered the quiz I felt worst about was accounting quiz, of which I scored a passing grade also. I was pissed about that (though it was only 6% of entire module) because I knew I could have done better.

I'm dreading the next oral presentation. I just want to sit down, keep my mouth shut, and mug with moi books. After the two quizzes tomorrow, I will again be rushing twin projects. I have no idea how to study for an exam that's coming up in 2 weeks' time.

Why so jia lat ah?

Sandstorm Dreams

2010-04-04T10:52:00.000+08:00

Ha, like what a female classmate said, "I'm going to self-mutilate myself for sleeping so long. I hate myself." I don't really hate myself, just that I really did sleep 10 hours and snoozing the phone over 5 times.

Anyway I was dreaming of my entire family trapped in a house at the edge of the desert. I was trying to get to Jhubei, don't know why it was across the desert when there are no deserts in Taiwan, and was struggling to decipher the map and wonder how to keep going in one direction once I enter the sand-filled place.

I did swear I will learn how to use a compass in that dream.

Weird dreams aside. Do you know I wake up most of the days motivated and happy that I have soooo much to learn, so much to improve on and feel this urgency to get myself compentent? I want to learn how to cook, draw, engage in photography, invest in stocks, read the Harvard Business Review, read everything in the NTU databases, watch all the upcoming movies, meet up with various friends, swim, sky dive, etc etc.

And so I termed this feeling the "zest of life" effect. I do have it every morning and it really really motivates me! But as the day goes on and night comes, I tend to become more emo. Yesterday night was good because I wasn't emo. But instead of being emo, I was nostalgic. As I lie on my bed, I remembered how I felt when I was in Taiwan, lying no my bunk bed, knowing home was so far away. It wasn't a bad feeling. I feel empowered when I'm placed in circumstances when I had to depend on myself. My self-esteem grew.

Speaking of self-esteem, I decided I have really pathetic issues in it. I always do negative self-talk, instead of positively telling myself I can do it. It's sort of a coping mechanism, you see. I always assumed the worse, so I worked damn hard, set my hopes damn low and in the end... well get good enough results. That's how I have been dealing with my studies my entire life.

Problem is... It's insanely stressful now that I'm in university. Moreover, I have a tendency to apply the same school of thought to other aspects of my life, and yes most particularly in love. I just negative self talk all the way, keep myself away because I just fear she may get irritated (just simply because there's a chance that's she irritated), rebuke all the positive signs and take in all the negative signs...

I need to start practising positive self talk.

The Morning Post

2010-04-03T07:52:00.000+08:00

Wow, what's in me nowadays? Going crazy at nights ain't helping things. Saying crazy things to friends wouldn't help my image one bit.

Today I am confident. Today I feel more positive.

And because I am so sick of what I'm currently doing, I will want to stop. I'm going to start making the effort, start having the right mental model. Let's not absorb the negative side from everyone. Being over-cautious will not help in my adulthood.

I woke up at 7am today, showered, shaved, threw the trash and even vaccuumed the floor. I haven't gotten breakfast yet, but I will do so after this post.

I glanced at my blog title just now (The Warmth of Life) and wondered remotely why I named it that way? Back then, I was pretty fascinated with the concept of friendship and had viewed that friends were very important to a right life (not that they aren't important now). From that springboard, I wanted to go out and take in all the warm parts of life there is.

Looking back, some aspects of me have changed and some haven't. I have definitely become less fit. I have more academically inclined. I have also become more outspoken because of my business course. I no longer am afraid to interact with people. But I still am afraid of public speaking.

I am still pretty pessimistic, with marginal improvement from back then. Emo-ing seems to be a daily affair, or rather nightly affair. I think it's possible and necessary to get rid of it. Imagine that I become a father and come back home from work emo-ing and pulling a long face. That's gonna be dentrimental to family integration.

And I have been thinking about moving out/stay in with parents when I get married. As much as I feel the need to be filial and stay in forever with my parents, I realise my future soulmate would definitely have considerations. Going by my theory, we will end up living with 4 elderly persons, not very conducive for romance. Although it's a bit far off now, seeing how my two brothers haven't yet gotten a house at this age yet (oops), I'm pretty bent on getting one soon after my work. It will be a measure of success after all!

The car can wait. MRT quite swee ma. Can see pretty girls during peak hours.

I should start sending job applications for May to August soon. I cannot imagine what zuo-bo-ing at home for 4 months will do to my mental health. It's definitely not going to happen and some spare cash would be good for the high expenses that is going to come again.

Okay, today I have to work harder. I lost my time due to emo-ing and mopping around. I REALLY NEED TO GROW UP. Can I stop being the boy that I am and be all the man I sometimes am? Haha, cheem ah.

Okay, breakfast!

Words

2010-04-03T00:28:00.001+08:00

Every word was a false impression.

Wonders

2010-04-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

Try chionging mathematics straight for 4 hours.

I'm totally dizzy now.

Drained but still got 3 chapters worth of reading before I can sleep.

Tonight I wonder why I am working so hard.

Good News!

2010-03-28T12:47:00.000+08:00

Two very good people, very long-term friends recently got attached.

I say they deserve it, totally, because they were sincere and I'm confident they are good partners in a relationship.

I'm happy for you guys. :)

Axe

2010-03-27T18:10:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter asked for a job with a timber merchant, and he got it.

The salary was really good and so were the work conditions. For that reason, the woodcutter was determined to do his best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to work.

The first day, the woodcutter brought 18 trees

"Congratulations," the boss said. "Go on that way!"

Very motivated by the boss' words, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but could bring 15 trees only.

The third day he tried even harder, but could bring 10 trees only. Day after day he was bringing less and less trees.

"I must be losing my strength", the woodcutter thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

"When was the last time you sharpened your axe?" the boss asked.

"Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees..."

Moral of the story :

Working hard is not enough; one has to keep on sharpening one's skills.

22 Years Old

2010-03-27T14:43:00.000+08:00

I'm 22 and 2 days old.

It's time to be an adult. Let's stop being pessimistic. Let's stop having the lack of confidence. How am I going to take care of another person when I can't even have the strength to pull myself together?

Let's look at things positively. Let's dare to try and be willing to accept whatever outcome graciously.

Let's not be afraid of not meeting everyone's expectations, the society's valuation in terms of academic performance.

Let's start having a work-life balance. Let's start saying yes more often. Let's start being unafraid to lose some time.

Let's be humble. Let's stop letting academia be the sum of myself. Let's start doing things I really like.

More than five years ago, a palm reader predicted accurately what happened to me for the last two couple of years. Two days, a man mysteriously asked me what major I want to do and I told him I want to be a banker. He told me that my path was clear and I will do it alone.

Whatever that means, I'm not going to let anything decide my life anymore. Not the society, not my ego, not some divine force, not fate, not anyone else.

Let's start living.

Thank you, Thank you. Thank you!

2010-03-26T18:39:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking, I never expected to be kidnapped on my birthday.

But I was... And they were gentle with me. They allowed me to lie down, make sure I got breathing air through the hood and even played the kidnapping van music to my liking.

It began a normal dinner, and I choose Holland V as my venue. We ate at Sakae Sushi and traditionally, we had a birthday cake at the end of the meal.

And I thought that was more or less it.

Surprise #1: They gave me a nicely wrapped present and to my dismay, I only found a month's worth of titbits in it. After allowing me to sink in to my dark depression, they gave me the REAL present, which is a uber cool ZARA belt!

Okay, so everyone's wanting to go home... We left Holland V around 10am, and I was humbly walking along the HDB estate to Calvin's car when....

Suddenly, a dark hood was wrestled over my head. I attempted to struggle, but Jack's overpowering belly was far too much for my great strength. I succumbed, and felt a little like NBS FOC all over again.

Then when they lifted the hood, they were playing with sparkles! Okay la, not bad. Surprise #2. They claimed they also sent this little 5 year old young girl to add in atmosphere.

Time was 11pm, and the last of the sparkles have finally died-ed. After cam-whoring with sparkles, they mentioned this time round, its really time to go home. I believed them since they were catching the last train.

While the girls wanted to catch the train since they were going to the east. Calvin offered us a ride since we were headed west.

So there I was, tired but satisfied in his van between a big-belly guy and a LPP. We were playing loud music, chatting happily and Eileen complaining as usual about everything when...

Suddenly, a dark hood was wrestled over my head. Knowing that I was about to die on my birthday by being dumped into the sea, I did not try to resist this time round, fully believing that I have done what I could for my beautiful world.

It was traumatising as they led me through Liang Court because I had no idea where the hell I was. But I heard KTV noises and at first suspected a sushi bar because as I entered the room, people clapped and greeted me in Jap. I thought it was so grand that they book an entire restaurant for me.

But no la, it was KTV! As some of you may know, I dreaded KTV because there's something very wrong with my music-production capabilities. However, thanks to my many "wives", I was coerced into a "high" mode and start dancing to "Smack That" while smacking Jack's butt. Okay, that didn't really happen.

But it was nonetheless a truly epic epic night. And among all the main events, I start catching glimpses of what I should be doing to my life. I have been really emotional lately about my mugaholic-ness. I think I have a clearer picture what I should do now.

First of all, thank you Kathryn for planning everything, buying the cake yourself, the present and maybe even the titbits! I'm sorry I underestimated your "surprising" capability. HAHA. And thank you for the talk you gave me that night.

Thank you Eileen for sacrificing your sleep time despite having school the next day. I know you probably end up not reading or preparing for seminar and I'm really guilty about it now.

Thank you Lin Ying for being the first in supporting my Facebook event. I also know it's really insanely expensive for all the things you all have done. And I know you ended up being tired beyond the ability to talk at the end of it. I'm really sorry about that. I really thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you Joanna for being the strong, yet cheerful woman you are (somehow, I just feel reluctant to call you a girl). You have been a wonderful addition to our "family" :P

Thank you Calvin for your van usage and AWESOME birthday card. You draw me until so handsome! SWEE LA. I shall put on my study table. And I also realise you must have spent quite a bomb on fuel. Thank you so much!

Thank you Jin Jie for hopping around with an injured leg everywhere with us. I know you are probably dying from the insane pain. I really appreciate you coming with us all the way.

Thank you Matthew for being ever supportive in planning the event. I know you played a crucial part in the finances, when you forked out your debit card for that gay KTV bill. HAHA. That's why you are in BAF, man!

And thank you, Jack, for being the siao one at KTV. You led us into doing a strip dance around Calvin and just bounce around the whole night, showing unlimited energy (must have come from all the food). Thank you thank you thank you!

This has been the most amazing birthday ever. I never thought I would experience something like this, as I watched in envy other people who had mega birthday parties or got blindfolded through so many obstacles. Not to say that my previous birthday surprises were not good, I loved all of them!

My 22th will change my life! Thank you!

Confessions of a Mugaholic

2010-03-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

I can't focus. I can't study. I don't what changed.

I want to scream. I want to tear my hair out.

I'm discouraged. I'm scared. I'm worried.

I'm damn lazy. I don't bother to speak up. I don't bother to be competitive anymore.

I don't know the reasons why I struggle so hard in the first place. I don't even care about my upcoming birthday. I don't even plan to meet my closest friends.

I lost contact with most of them, haven't contact most in months. I lost my passion in almost everything. I fell from a IPPT Silver to a mere pass.

My life's like a blank slate now. It used to be so enthusiastic, exciting and epic.

I know don't what's changed.

I don't trust you. I have nightmares of you. I hate you. Memories are supposed to be happy, yet mine are full of disgust.

Even alcohol lost its appeal. Even being drunk doesn't get mean to sleep. Even being tired doesn't save my mind.

I don't know what's wrong.

It's like I stopped living for a weeks.

I think I studied too much.

Our Eyes

2010-03-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

I think God didn't just give us two eyes. In fact, we do have another pair. A more powerful set thats able to take on many perspectives.

He gave us each a heart. And that are the eyes that allow us to peer into another soul.

Many times, our lives would be better if we started looking through another person's eyes. It is this ability that allows a Allied soldier to spare a Nazi soldier for he see him as a family man. It is this ability that propels millions to sacrifice their time and even their careers to help others that are less fortunate. It is perhaps also this ability that keeps us humane, among a thousand other factors.

I think I should started working on my empathy. It felt better to stop using my own eyes and start using someone's else.

Of Dreams, Family and School

2010-03-21T15:42:00.001+08:00

I think I'm super lucky to be living so near to school. Yesterday, I took to running all the way to school and tried to attempt an uphill run following the reverse of the bus service 179 route (unfortunately though, I did not succeed and had to walk for a long time).

There is truly something enchanting about the campus. I had always felt attached to "second homes". From Commonwealth Secondary School to Jurong Junior College, each had its own culture, memories and meaning for me. NTU has likewise cultivated a place in my heart.

Night strolls (or rather, jogs) allowed me to reflect on the positive sides of this sprawling campus. While there certainly are many foreigners, there's this unexplainable magic when you see activity of the youth even late in the night.

I always had an imaginative theory that emotions tend to linger in a place. Pulau Tekong was a place of terrible emotions (and thus, such bad vibes about it). In contrast, school was a place of laughter, camaraderie, conflicts, friendships, personal tests and sometimes, love. I love the school environment so much that if I had enough money, I would have opted to stay in a hall of residence.

I sometimes wonder why some people prefer to stay at home so much. Don't they feel lonely at night? Don't they feel the urge to talk to someone? I try to justify the difference by proposing that I had a dysfunctional home. We don't talk at home.

My second brother and I have gone for more than 10 years without uttering a single word. My father communicate by yelling in incomplete sentences, and sometimes through the phone, which increased my frustration when he repeat the same point with the same loud tone in various ungrammatical forms. My second brother's girlfriend live together with us, but I have never came into eye contact with her in these two years save for the time we spoke about NTU at my big brother's wedding.

I communicated much better with my big brother, since he had always been outgoing and outspoken. I yearn so much to talk more with him and my da shao, yet I felt so suppressed by an invisible rule that I should not. Strangely, when I was in Taiwan, when I was away from family, we could go to a pub and talk about all sorts of things. I felt that when I was away from family, I understood my family better.

Our family dinners are only held when there's an occasion, like my mother's birthday. Each member takes turn to eat at the table during normal days. We try to avoid each other as much as possible. Sitting at the same table makes us uncomfortable and there's always the terrible silence when we gather for a reunion dinner or celebratory occasion.

Most importantly, I had never shared my feelings with anyone in the family. I had never told them when I was sad, when I was happy and what my views were about. I was never taught lessons in life, because no one talked about them. I go by everyday locked in my room, facing the window and away from the door, enclosed in a home that's supposed to be a place where doors are open.

And so studying becomes a painful affair. I have no one to talk to as I can spend up to entire days with my books. I can't just go out either because I do have work to do. I pride my work very much and sometimes I wonder if I'm a workaholic because my strategy is to get interested about the things I study (yes, I really love what I study). That's why I flip out Facebook every half an hour, stare blankly at the MSN window hoping for someone I can talk to (but no one seems to talk on the same note nowadays) and even look at blog after blog to find someone I can resonate with.

I know my family wouldn't last forever. My parents are old, and while we never talked about the day that is inevitable, I know the time will come when I have to really look after myself. My brothers, too, will have their own families and move out. If truly the day comes in the near future, I envision a silent home with me, myself and I, and my work.

A man's conditions craft his dreams. I have three dreams. One, I want to be very successful. I want to be very intelligent. I want to be very wise. I want to be very rich. However, this dream is the worst of them all. Why do I say that? Because this is no dream, it's a nightmare my inner demons propel me towards.

Secondly, I want to help people. I want to envison there's more equality in the world. I want to, hopefully, by some manner of my existence leave the world in a better shape than when I entered it.

Thirdly, I want to fall in love, have a close, warm family and play a great fatherly role in my children's life. This is the greatest dream of them all. For without this dream, I cannot function. I cannot live day by day knowing I am alone and will be in the far future.

These dreams make me who I am tomorrow, and for today, my problems will make me less of a man I am supposed to be.

A Happy Man is a Man with a Bag

2010-03-21T09:20:00.000+08:00

You know I'm emotional when I get pretty cryptic on my blog. But well, I'm not THAT emotional as before.

I will be having my birthday in 4 days' time! It's the 22nd one, and I don't really have a good mind on celebrating it with a lot of hoo-ha because I have school on that day. :(

21st was a disaster too, though Wei Liang and gang salvage it with a last minute BBQ. Always depend on those guys to perk you up in times of disaster.

Truth is, I want my family to give me some angbao money to buy that Crumpler I have been eyeing for days now.

Please please please.

To Take a Leap

2010-03-20T21:49:00.002+08:00

I know it's pretty late, but I did be an idiot if I don't try.

I don't need another major regret in my life. I think I'm been acting like a small boy long enough.

Positivity

2010-03-20T16:28:00.000+08:00

Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.
Become aware of your self-talk.
Squash negative thoughts like a bug.
Replace them with positive thoughts.
Love what you have already.
Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people.
Every day.
Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
But be inspired by them.
Accept criticism with grace.
But ignore the naysayers.
See bad things as a blessing in disguise.
See failure as a stepping stone to success.
Surround yourself by those who are positive.
Complain less, smile more.
Image that you’re already positive.
Then become that person in your next act.

Leo Babauta - http://zenhabits.net/2010/03/300-word-positivity/

A Business School

2010-03-20T11:46:00.000+08:00

People willing to queue 1 hour for business school shirts.

Projects in school overnight, with breaks consisting of old school StarCraft matches.

Leaving school at 4am and coming back at 9am for a business plan presentation.

Rushing to FAL printing rooms, filled with chatter, people doing projects, printer jams, long queues, laughter, stress, emotions.

Presentations: Shirts, pants, polished shoes, ties and blazers. Nervous, then relief. Artillery bombardment via Q&A from your peers.

Class participation - Everyone snatching to say something (not so much in this semester).

Report writing: Follow the assessment criteria, read the professor's mind, steal reports from seniors.

Quick lunches, eating on the go, rushing to another lecture, arriving late, panting.

Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access, Word. Management Scientist. AcuConference. Google Wave.

Projects: arguments, heated emotions, tired faces. All just trying to get a better grade.

Competition. Bad emotions. Suspicion.

2 semesters. Learnt a lot. It's about looking forward.

11.38am and I'm Stuck with AB112

2010-03-20T11:39:00.000+08:00

I don't think there's any way I have time to re-read that Kotler's book to be familiar with it. It's just too damn thick. So I'm going to rely on lecture notes to point out the frameworks.

OB textbook is manageable, so I will need to delve in and really read back to back again. Lecture notes are only good in that they provide a listing of frameworks, much like marketing.

Stats: Practice makes perfect. I have to be careful about the little definitions here and there. It can be confusing when you merely skim over the various complex distributions - F-distribution, Chi-square distribution...

Economics: Read, read and read. Recouncile differences in macroeconomic viewpoints. It's getting super confusing.

Comm funds: The upcoming two presentations are key. I need to pay attention to details and find out what she wants.

It's more or less one month more to the first exam and the end of my semester 2. School term after recess week is traditionally a rush to complete the curriculum and revise what we have learnt, mixed in with big scale projects, quizzes and reports.

At this times, we tend to forgo more sleep. I stop reading the newspapers. I get more stressed and bad-tempered, exercise less and also eat less. Oh yes, I also tend to outright reject social outings.

Yes, I really look forward to the summer break. I think I deserve some manner of vacation, don't I?

But for now, let's mug and I will be on MSN, as always.

Crumpler Crumpler!

2010-03-19T11:48:00.000+08:00

Is it time to indulge in sin again? $200 plus leh!

The Pursuit of "Happyness"

2010-03-18T20:23:00.002+08:00

Is it possible to stay happy most of the time? Nowadays, I tend to be happy 12 hours and emotional 12 hours.

Does the principle of trade-off apply to happiness too?

A Creation of Love

2010-03-17T17:25:00.000+08:00

Here's some good news. I'm gonna be an uncle soon!!! Yes, my eldest brother will be a father come end of this year! It's amazing to be awaiting the birth of a little one who's going to be a big part of all our lives in the future.

How far we have all come in life... An addition to the family sure makes everything pleasantly weird. It's magical. I can't explain how a birth of someone close seemed so surreal and almost heavenly.

Anyway, my mother has been hinting that she wants to see MY son in the next few years. Ahhh... not a very good sign. I'm afraid I haven't been fulfilling my filial piety in this aspect. The last time I tried to pick a life partner, I performed so badly I shudder at the thought of it.

I think I'm pretty screwed in my love life. Sure, I can run fast. I can speak to people pretty sufficiently well. I can study well. But of all the most important things in the world, I can't handle my lovey side well.

Many years ago, we had a Chinese teacher who was a devout Buddhist and could do some pretty neat palm reading. We used to have dinners together, and we each took turn to get our palms read. I remembered he said that my weakness was women and I would encounter a financial calamity as a result of one. Well, the situation's pretty laid bare for my close friends to judge.

It might seem ill for me to criticise my past love life so much. It might seem even inhuman and unkind. But truth is, I regret many parts of it everyday. I was such a misguided person back then. I didn't know what I was doing.

I resolved that I would not be tempted easily ever again. There had always been two sides to me. There was the clubber who hopped from night spots to another hitting on girls (those were years back). There was the guilty, tormented self who was shy and knew the previous persona was a wrong one. Thankfully, now that I'm surrounded in a good environment, I'm reverted back to the latter.

To tell you the truth, I have crushes pretty easily. It's my weakness and an irritating one. Remember what they say about the fact that love would blind someone?

I'm not sure this is just a crush or what. But I'm feeling something special again. It's strange to look at the memories and start to miss them. And it's even stranger that I'm panicky when I realise we would lose contact more and more over the near future.

I had always been stuck in the friend zone. I guess I'm stuck again this time round. I don't know how to proceed. Actually, I know. But I'm just too cowardy to try any darn thing.

Sigh. I think I need some HTHT soon.

Emo emo. Actually no la, night time haven't come. :)

Just a little update and whining!

FYP = First Year Project DONE!

2010-03-15T17:19:00.000+08:00

My marketing project is finally done! It's our FYP = First Year Project! Haha, it felt good to receive good comments especially after you pull almost all stops to do your best. We even don blazers on for this presentation.

Thank you, Eileen, for commenting that my presentation skills improved since my first project with you. That made my day after the rather difficult comm funds test! :D

Thank you, Xiang Long, for your awesome knowledge from special projects. I learnt so much this time round. Too bad, I'm stealing your structure for my future projects. I'm sure you still hide something. So I'm gonna sneak around and try to harvest your brain. Just joking.

Thank you, Matthew, for disagreeing with me in this project for many, many times. I was really hoping for disagreement since I felt previous projects had been too one-sided. Your input has won us lots of points today, especially the part about emerging new technology that prof mentioned! Though conversations can get heated, I promise I wouldn't bring my sword around.

Thank you, Kathryn, for ever pushing our groups and being competent in doing everything. If you hadn't redesigned our Porters' analysis, it would be our weakest link and probably lead to a barrage of attacks.

Our whole team has worked hard. Right after our case study presentation, we worked on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I stayed in school so much that I forgot when was the last time I had dinner at home. GML!

Highlights of tomorrow:

Collecting the famed NBS shirts (all 3 of them: SHIOK!)
Attempting to get back Critical Thinking Assignment from OB prof (20% leh)

Highlights of today

Stats tutorial
Marketing read up

It's a HUGE relief to get our major presentation over. We still have individual comm funds presentations coming up. It's also time to get into exam mode.

:)

Strength

2010-03-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm adequately prepared, though I wish there was more time.

Give me strength please.

One Man In The Dark

2010-03-12T23:55:00.000+08:00

We spent more than 13 hours on the marketing project, tuning it to the best of our ability and still falling short of our expectations. I know we can do better, but my body was simply not listening to my commands anymore. I simply didn't want to think. I became too tired. I was caged. I was unable to do it.

And what of my promise to go beyond my comfort zone and expand myself? Why didn't I go to the professor directly beforehand and seek a consultation from him about how to do financial projections? Why didn't I pursue the curious question of how to do that pesky projections when I failed so terribly in IT last semester?

And you know what?

Amidst all the sacrifices I made, I'm much worse off in other aspects than before, especially so in my relationship life. I'm stressed out today. I really am. And I haven't even started on the script familiarisation for tomorrow's open house.

I feel I'm really alone nowadays.

A Pleasant Today?

2010-03-09T19:37:00.000+08:00

In Nigeria, 500 people, including children and women, were hacked to death. They were the result of a religious conflict which has claimed thousands of lives over the past few years. The victims were caught in fishing nets and animal traps. Picture it.

The second woman in Jack Neo's scandal saga speaks up.

More continue to testify against the Romanian embassy accident.

China doctors reportedly pocket "hongbao money" for their services to the already poor.

All these things seemed so far away. But it's in the world as we live in now.

There's sure a whole lot of shit happening everyday.

Body Down

2010-03-08T16:23:00.000+08:00

The requirement stated 3 pages and 1000 words for ethical reasoning. And only today, I realised I wrote a 4 page thing. I'm now in a state of panick because I'm not sure how the instructors are going to screw me.

Anyway, I didn't have high hopes for marketing presentation today. I really didn't know much about cars and how to market a hybrid. Well, I kept my expectations low. What mattered most was the professor's opinion. Sometimes, no matter how hard you push, it really all depend on him. That's what I learnt from IT.

Thankfully, he said our analysis and overall case study was pretty good. I'm at least hoping for a 7 out of 10. That way, somehow, I can squeeze out at least a B+ for this module that bewilder me everytime I attempt a tutorial.

My body ain't keeping up to me anymore. I couldn't absorb much during economics lecture. I just simply couldn't understand. I took a nap after school, but my legs were always aching when I woke up. Am I having some form of diabetics or something?

One half of the term is over. This 2 months will matter most, and there wouldn't be much of a break anymore. I have to start revising amidst the new content that's coming in. I probably have to drag my ass to school and study until the wee hours of the night, just like what some people are doing in their halls. I think by staying at home, I just become too slack.

I'm really admitting that I'm having more difficulties with the modules this semester than the previous. FM was intuitive to me, strangely, probably because of the great interest in it. IT was pretty fine, since guys love IT. Business law was awesome, because it's super interesting.

But when I see OB and marketing, I cringe.

Alright, I have a stats quiz (5%) tomorrow. I will be mugging very hard today. Screw myself if I waste today again. No more Facebook please!

A Brave New Tomorrow

2010-03-07T11:14:00.000+08:00

Today's Sunday Times had an article which point to a report by a North Korean personnel who had to live undercover overseas to provide shopping sprees for N.K's leaders. He mentioned they live in luxury while the common people suffered. They imported and indulge in western goods when they openly speak out against capitalism.

If this is truly the reality, I hope that one day, the millions of people who live under such a tyrannic rule will be liberated.

But, gazing at the past of world wars and the recent American-led wars, is the price of freedom sometimes too much to bear?

Would we rather live under evil, for something much more terrible must be done before we can lift ourselves? They say fight fire with fire. Evil with evil. Yes, chemical weapons, nuclear bombs and other devastating missiles are evil when innocent civilians lose their lives because of them.

So what's the price of freedom?

Hard Work

2010-03-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

Charles Darwin once commented along these lines: He felt he wasn't smart. In fact, he admitted he couldn't perform long, abstract mathematical reasoning in his mind, and so he never excelled in mathematics.

I know it's pretty arrogant to compare myself to him. But what I'm extracting from this is that it's okay to be human. It's okay to be ordinary. You still can do great things with your distinct strengths.

I dream sometimes of reaching the intellectual heights of notable people. Surely, when our minds are so developed, there would be a new way of seeing the world? Perhaps more questons could be answered. Or ironically, more questions would be raised.

Whatever is the case, I truly hunger for greater intellectual capacity.

But sadly, I too admit that I'm very limited in many aspects. I couldn't articulate well, both in writing and in speech. I had trouble with abstract mathematical questions too. I could memorise well, but need immense time to apply what I have learn.

And so I told myself today to stop indulging in the illusion that I'm smart enough to get good results thus far. It's time to admit that it was a result of incredibly hard work. Doing this gave me a breath of fresh air, for no longer did I hold the perception of perfectionism. It has made me... humble.

And so I will work hard. Yes, very hard. From today onwards, I shall realise where I stand and continue doing it the old fashion way... diligence.

What's Happening?

2010-03-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

I had 9 days of recess week. At the beginning of it, I was pretty cool about it being a week for project and lots of revision rushing. Although I probably only completed half of what I wanted to do, something else disturbs me.

From the way I look at it, from Twitter, from Facebook and many other places, some people just seemed to be enjoying life better than I do.

Sometimes, my resolve do dim a little you know? The reasons and motivations for mugging don't seem so bright anymore. And you wonder how long more is this going to continue. Sometimes you are just afraid it will always be like this.

Sure, I can take 3 years.

Sure, I can take another decade of late nights in offices and lack of sleep.

But at the end of the day, I want to have my life. I want to do the things I have dreamt of when I was a kid. I want to be happy, I want to travel around the world and I want to fall in love genuinely.

But look at where most of us are now? After 20 years, everything has just gotten more intense. Is this the peak of our tests? Or merely an ascending curve of things to come?

And as I drag on everyday for a dream that may or never come (I don't even know whether the things I'm doing now is correct), I find myself giving up more and more.

So, what if I suddenly die tomorrow? Is today's mugging going to make me any closer to heaven?

Tonight, I don't have a reason.

Rifts

2010-03-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

Things end, are coming to an end. The day's coming when we shall hardly know who each other's anymore.

It was my choice, wasn't it?

Let's just hope for the best.

Sleepppyy

2010-03-04T01:28:00.000+08:00

Oh man, 4 days of recess left.

Tahan tahan!

IPPT Very High Tech Sia

2010-03-03T21:54:00.000+08:00

We should look to the army for productivity inspiration.

Taking the IPPT at Maju Camp was an eye-opener for me. Whereas we used to book in through writing our details in a hardcover book, the personnel now just have to scan our ICs with their handheld readers.

Whereas several PTIs had to overlook and count the number of repetitions for our static stations, they are now replaced by machines which automatically detect how many reptitions we have done. Now, it's one PTI to a few hundred test candidates.

There was hardly any paperwork or any interference from the PTIs. I'm surprised how the army managed to cut manpower by so much!

Maybe next time, we can have robotic machines mark our test papers.

OPTIMISM!

2010-03-03T12:12:00.001+08:00

I must be optimistic!

IPPT: ~~Sian.~~ $200 up for grabs!

Stats quiz: ~~Siao liao la.~~ Part of 20% up for grabs!

Marketing case study: ~~Hong gan.~~ 10% up for grabs!

Ethical OB assignment: ~~GG.~~ 20% up for grabs!

This looks like a Great Singapore Sale post.

RAARRRRR. After IPPT this evening, I will focus intensely on my work. I promise I promise!

Fatigue

2010-03-02T11:11:00.002+08:00

I set alarm at 8.30am and snoozed in increments of 10mins all the way till 11am. That's how tired I am.

Now I need to rush even more work.

A Battered Resolve

2010-03-02T02:14:00.002+08:00

Okay, I have 6 days left to make a difference in this semester! CHIONG AH!

Everything also must revise!

Deserving?

2010-03-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

Despite my earlier post about reasons I shouldn't be emotional, the great irony is that... I'm now emotional. It happens frequently when I get home late at night, when everyone is asleep and my room is a cold, dark reminder of my shell of a life.

I can probably only say for sure that I detest myself, and my character. I succumb easily to temptation and am extremely selfish whenever I had to choose between my own welfare and someone else's. Oh, and did I tell you that I'm quite a coward? I hide when things go wrong. I totally block out a person whenever I feel like it.

In other words, I'm the last person you want to know.

And I doubt I deserve anything more than what I have now. Thus, I indulge myself in vices. I balance it with insane mugging everyday. It's my way of justifying my life. It's a way to put a purpose to why I'm here. I admit I'm quite a wreck tonight.

Yet, I cannot tell you how scared I am, of so many things, and how cold and alone it feels nowadays. I hate this room, because it reminds me of tormented days when I loved in vain. I hate the night, because it was so often the times when I trapped myself in the anxiousness of worry. The memories of waking up constantly after 3am is still clear in my head, just to make sure someone's safely home. I hate being alone, because it gives me the possibility that I have failed at love and will never deserve a better one again.

Emo entry. To tell you the truth, I have written countless emotional entries this year, but have all deleted them shortly after I wrote them. Let's hope this entry stays on.

The Postive Externalities of Non-Emoing

2010-03-01T16:17:00.000+08:00

I recall faintly that in the newspaper today, I read that earthquakes of Haiti's magnitude are so common it happens once a month.

And two grenades exploded outside banks in Thailand, thought to be related to Thaksin's recent judgment. And this incident was located somewhere deep inside the newspaper, nowhere near the headlines.

We travel around the world for leisure. During these trips, we are constantly amazed at how diversified the world is. It is, however, rarely, that we realised the world is embroiled in conflict and suffering.

In fact, we must have some weird mechanism for blocking them out. The ones who probably worry all day gets to die earlier.

But my point is, sometimes, when we get frequently depressed, should we ask ourselves how tiny our troubles really are? More importantly, should we ask ourselves, how much the world really needs us to do something for it?

Food for thought.

Strawberries

2010-02-19T08:26:00.000+08:00

I'm recovering but I have eaten nothing more than one bowl of porridge each day for the past two days. Forgive me if I walk slow, talk slow and think slow.

I need some time.

And I have a craving for strawberries.

Something That Starts With E

2010-02-17T12:21:00.001+08:00

OMG. For the last time, a bus ambassador does not mean my face gets smacked on some bus. It's simply a term for us volunteers who will be posted on bus to talk to visitors for Open House 2010. I'm having heart attacks explaining...

Turns out I didn't drag my ass to lecture today. Instead, I decided last minute I HAD to see the doctor, find out what's happening and get some miracle medicine.

Initially, I was uber pissed I had to wait 1 hour when I had only had 3 patients before me. But after examination, I am now damn happy because the doctor said the infection was all linked. If I didn't take antibiotics, it would come back again and again.

No wonder I'm having the same terrible sore throat 3 times in a month. When the doc told me to open my mouth, he immediately said "ooorrrhhh" and uttered a throat infection I had utterly never heard of. I only know it starts with e.

Then he said it must be very painful. I wanted to cry at that moment because I never felt someone could understand my predicament so well. Everyone thinks I'm just having a sore throat. They have no idea what kind of torment it has been.

He also mentioned that I would get chills now and then. Ding. Kudos to the field of medicine.

Now, I'm very comforted because I know it's not something wrong with my body, just something persistent has managed to get stuck in my throat, literally.

Once I finished this series of antibiotics, I swear I will visit the doctor and not be gei kiang whenever I fall sick again.

You never know what you are getting.

It hurts to talk, swallow and eat

2010-02-17T08:49:00.000+08:00

These few nights have been terrible. Imagine waking up again and again all bathed in sweat and afraid to swallow because your mind screams with pain everytime you do.

As much as I want to skip today's lecture, I'm still going to attend because I need to settle my marketing project too. It's bewildering to stare at all the deadlines next week.

All this sore throat crap on and off for 4 weeks has made me wonder whether I would be better living without my throat, since it's so easily infected. Yes, I'm in a seriously terrible mood as I wake up today.

And will I be able to go to steamboat later? It all depends on how well I can swallow.

Frustrated at getting sick

2010-02-16T19:58:00.000+08:00

Thank God for modern medicine. This is the third I'm sick in little more than 1 month.

Again and again, it all started with an infected throat. I really have no idea why I keep catching virus one after another.

Could it be due to stress? There isn't much difference from last semester, of which I didn't even get sick even once.

Whatever it is, I got to be careful from now on. I can't afford to get sick once more.

Xin Nian

2010-02-14T16:47:00.000+08:00

What are your sleeping hours like?

Last semester, I woke up around 8, take a nap around mid-afternoon and slept around 1.

This semester, I try to forgo the nap, but ended up crashing at 10pm.

That's an excuse why I took a relaxing nap just now. And I dreamt of organisational behavior. Scary.

Anyway, bai nian was boring as usual. Same old faces, same old customs. Why do I always play the mute when my family is around? Does anyone behave like that too?

I must, must make some headway into two graded assignments by end of tonight! Ah, studying on chu yi, thanks ah, NBS.

A Note On Mistakes

2010-02-14T10:26:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, happy lunar new year, everyone! And also Happy V Day to those that are luckily attached! Yes, I will find my own soon, don't worry!

Despite this joyous occasion, I'm afraid I'm going to be a little dark here and talk a little what suddenly occurred to me just now.

I happened upon the photos of Wei Liang, Wei Min and KQ having fun at the airport while waiting to welcome me for the final time back from Taiwan. That was December 2008, more than a year ago.

I was pretty different back then. Attached and in a vicious trap of my own, encased in my own illusion about what love should be. Looking back, I keep seeing mistakes and no longer the joy that I once had. I saw how I neglected everyone around me, ignore friends and technically lose hope on the meaning of friendship.

The surprising thing is... Fast forward one year and 2 months, NOTHING has changed. I still take my friends for granted. I still believe there's no harm lying to them if they don't find out. I still have something that I'm obsessed about, my grades now rather than a particular woman.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I suddenly felt with myself. I keep making the same mistake over and over again, simply because I couldn't recognise the mistake I was making in the first place.

I can't take it anymore. Change is guaranteed.

To tell you the truth, I have been deliberately detaching myself from people. I tell myself not to care, not to ask and not to think about them because there's no point. But there is a point, isn't it? There's this magic when people get connected. This magic I conveniently dumped away by believing it's something only teenagers dwell in. And I continue to laugh at the lives of others who do selfless acts for friends. I tell myself, they will get it one day, they will.

In fact, I'm the one who never actually GET it.

Now that I admit my mistake... Will this just be another sudden thought that disappears when I wake up tomorrow morning?

Persist...

Crabs and Wine

2010-02-12T12:17:00.000+08:00

One more person whine about the same thing over again, I'm gonna smack his jellyfish head. :D

How's that for festives greeting? Haha, no offense, but I just need to smack some jellyfish head.

Anyway, yesterday was sort of a family celebration for my mum's birthday at some Chinese restaurant located off Alexander Road. I didn't enjoy the crabs because I have become so tired of subjecting my poor soft fingers against the piercing armor of a dead organism that I do not see why eating crabs are worth it. On a more noteworthy side, brother brought wine, in which he shared generously with me.

Suffice to say, once I reached home at 10pm, I collapsed. Never shower, never check Facebook, never unpack my bags and didn't even brush my teeth. I hadn't been so tired in a mightly long time, and it felt so darn good to sleep so easily!

Not that I'm having trouble sleeping, just that it's hard to sleep with so many unfinished work on your mind. With alcohol in your head, somehow work seemed to be the last thing on my mind. And so I slept!

With my new specs, I doubt I will be wearing my contacts to school anymore unless it's for non-academic reasons. I'm pretty proud of my new specs!

Alright, back to work!

Ten Reasons to Mug

2010-02-07T16:05:00.000+08:00

I'm damn happy today, because my ulcers are recovering, like finally! Soon, I will be able to eat rice, burgers, new year goodies, spicy stuff and a thousand other mortal delicacies. Soon...

I tried running 2.4km just now, and I clocked in only 12.13mins, which is 7 seconds from failing. Yes, I realised I am that unfit. Many of you probably have heard me said that I was jogging for the past few months. So why still so unfit? Well, try running 2.4km after you trained for your five stations, which is what happens at the real IPPT.

I will probably have to reschedule my IPPT for the second time, since YOG training is taking up another Saturday. Open House 2010 is taking up 3. That leaves me a lot less time for studying. I must must must not sleep so much anymore.

I'm damn tempted to go board games cafe after having hell load of fun playing Saboteur 2 weeks ago. Actually most games are fun without the cheating jellyfish. But then... Where the hell do I find time for it? Projects are hitting. Quiz are coming. And freak, I just can't finish my readings no matter how fast I do it.

I'm used to these stress. So, I wouldn't say I'm stressed. Actually I had always felt that I like being stressed. It meant that I was growing at a fast rate. Not growing alarms me.

Some people will probably say I'm psychotic and unable to adhere to social norm. I shall try to explain my mugging-ness again:

1. I'm constantly touched by what both parents are doing for me. My father silently slogs and give me SO MUCH more than he can afford to every month. My mother does every single little thing for me and my two brothers with ZERO complains. No logical reasons can explain why they do it. No textbook or management journal on motivation theory can show me why. I can only attribute it to one thing: Genuine love.

If I die without experiencing true love again from a female, at least I know I have experienced parental love, which IMO is way more noble than the more populised form of love.

So, basically, doing well in studies = parents happy + more money for them in the future + me able to help the family when the time comes. It's kind of like an insurance for my lovey, perfect world everytime I work harder.

2. I need money. Self-explanatory.

3. I need to know I can achieve. Ego. Pride. Once in a lifetime leh. If I don't go all out and aim high now, then when?

4. I don't want to get pawned by life again. My last r/s showed me how pathetic I was without a degree, a job, money and a thousand other things, yet trying to take care of someone else.

5. I do actually like studying. Okay, maybe not the exams, but I think I have a strong drive to learn.

6. I love the business course. It felt so relevant to me that I thought I wouldn't survive in any other faculty. I thank God everyday that I've made the right choice.

7. I need to leave a legacy. Come up a theory, set up a foundation, do lots of volunteer work, sponsor a endangered panda, build a small school, donate to universities... I think our race shows lots of promise, but lots of risks of collapsing too.

8. I'm damn curious how greater intellectuals think. I don't know how to ever reach their level, but at least in attempting, I may be able to converse with Einstein and not make him vomit blood when I meet him in heaven (okay, I know I will end up in hell, but nowadays got webcam, so should be able to call him).

9. Education seems to reward me with wisdom, or so I think. Maybe I'm not that wise yet. But at least I feel wiser.

10. Uni fees bloody expensive leh. Lugi if never study hard.

Okay ten reasons!

Ulcers

2010-02-05T17:12:00.002+08:00

I think the ulcers are both a blessing and a curse.

While I am in great pain all the time...

It now hurts too much to scold a vulgarity, especially the long ones.

Damn Throat Ulcer

2010-02-04T07:52:00.001+08:00

Frustrated as I am, I held a torchlight to my throat today and try to peek in. What I saw confirmed what I suspected about my tormentor for this past week: 3-4 visible ulcers at the right corner of my throat, and God knows how many further down the line?

It's been painful to swallow. Every mouthful felt like acid. It's painful to eat. Having rice felt like swallowing razor blades. It's even worse to wake up. You feel like just ripping your throat out.

I'm sick, sick and sick of viral and bacteria infections...

External Activities!

2010-01-31T12:32:00.000+08:00

I'm happy, happy, happy... because I got selected to be Bus Ambassador during NTU Open House 2010! Kudos to trying to look cheerful and outspoken even when I was sick from flu during interview 2 weeks ago!

And I expect to get into YOG too! :) Nicely planned right?

I'm thinking of joining BAF club next year, since it's a CCA for year 2 and I don't really want to join an umbrella CCA since these CCAs comprises of faculties that might never have experienced our intensive project weeks. I don't want to be caught up doing something else when GPA comes calling!

And yes, I want to work, work and work during May to July. I need money for everything nowadays, from my expensive Gillette Fusion shaving blades to new textbooks. Essentials okay?

And I saw a stray dog wait for the pedestrian light to turn green before crossing just now. I highly suspect it to be an alien in disguise.

The Mind Is A Preaching Machine

2010-01-29T17:50:00.000+08:00

Does he who judge truly must come with clean hands?

I speak against you, I was sure you were naive. Then you slapped me with my dysfunctional areas. Alas, I am imperfect and does that make me unqualified to judge or comment?

Okay, no one has slapped me. Just a simple thought of the day.

I'm realising there are some really, really different perspectives on life in our class alone. It's amazing. I wanted to ridicule them, but then again, I was about to laugh about my own life. I want so much to share with you my views, dear readers. But I fear words alone cannot provide the full comprehension I intend to bear to you. You would either view me as jealous, arrogant or at worst, psychotic.

The easiest rebuke one could throw my way was, "Come on. Why be so anal about life?" Ahh, just like that, I could be shamed because any potential rebuttal was self-fulfilling to that statement. So the best way was to shut up, and that is defeat in itself.

I think the best way to go about life is probably empathy. Speak like minded issues to like minded people, or else you are just wasting your breath. Dale Carneige, the legend of self-improvement, taught in his books that the best way out of an argument is to avoid one in the first place. I do agree somewhat in this sense. Do not preach the merits of beef to vegetarians.

That led me to think... If you are always avoiding discussing conflicting views with someone you do not see eye to eye with, wouldn't that make both of you drift apart? That's provided you do not make a conscious effort to hang on.

Hmmm, and then the differences magnified. The only hope that we can reconnect again is through the common things we faced in the huge system called life. For example, two women can have very different thoughts about how they approached love, but can be recouncilled through a lively afternoon discussion about pregnancy when they two have become mothers.

At this point of time, I think I should include some examples behind every point I make, or else people might totally misunderstand what I say. Or worse, fall asleep. Don't treat my page as the lullaby page.

Anyway, I LOVE such engaging intellectual discussions. Now that I have been throwing so many questions through my blog. I really love to see some thrown my way. We could talk, we could offer views, and hopefully without much conflict. :P I do miss the philosophical discussions, though simple in nature, I used to have with my friends sometimes.

Until next time then. I got to start reading on some stuff.

Sigh

2010-01-28T21:11:00.000+08:00

TGIT. Thank God It's Thursday.

3rd week is over.

I don't have much to say today.

Just feel that life still continues to go the wrong way, no matter how many "feel good" thoughts I have.

I need a big hug.

Disconnectivity

2010-01-25T21:57:00.000+08:00

I'm a person with high expectations.

It's both my crucial strength and crippling weakness. And I was in a really tense and troubling mood today because I just didn't get the hang of marketing.

And even as I pump hours of effort at trying to read up and try to understand this foreign concept, I pissed off a bunch of friends because I pang-seh them last minute and decided studying was a better usage of my time. Conscious choice. I was well aware they will get pissed. But I still made the other choice. Does it mean I value my grades more than my friends?

What if I say yes? Do you view me as cold-blooded, emotionless and anti-social?

I feel no need to defend myself more and more nowadays. Coming out in the open with bare hands is the only way out now. I hate being a hypocrite and try to weave around excuses while my screaming mind knows whats the truth.

In the end, I still think friends, family and love are the things that are most important in life. But why the hell am I stuck at studying, finance numbers, networking and all these contradictory items?

Because there's another thing called ego, a need for achievement and a power hunger. I want to win you. I want to be respected. I want people to talk about me in a positive light.

This ego thing completely sucks, because it makes me do bad things, very bad things.

Ego is one of the many things that disconnect people. And I have been thinking deeply about the subject of disconnectivity lately.

I pose this question to a friend yesterday. Why do people crave so much for love, friends and family and yet let things like dishonesty, ego, pride, anger etc stand in the way? Why do we all feel lonely at rainy, dark nights at same time when a simple solution was to come together? What keeps us from communicating our true feelings? I didn't receive a satisfactory reply, and I'm pretty sure it will take much, much more to understand this question.

Maybe the answer is simple. We just need to try and put the effort in it. Fail? Try harder. Simplistic solution, isn't it?

Over-simplistic maybe.

No News Is Good News!

2010-01-23T18:25:00.001+08:00

I'm looking to take some kind of satisfactory break before embarking on my final important task for today: the Mark Plus case study presentation. After wandering around and reading a few blog posts, I guess it's time for me to write a little too!

The past week has been pretty good. Flu subsided and is now technically gone, though my throat still feels dry from time to time. I made some headway into studying. And I survived my first session of Organisational Behavior and it wasn't as stressful as I thought. All that talk of debates and role play had been scaring me.

A recent theme has been the cultivation of an immense reading habit. Yes, I do read newspapers and books, mind you. But now, I'm aiming to read beyond my subjects, scan through various newspapers etc etc. The key is to intoxicate myself with reading (of course, with thinking simultaneously) and hopefully, I will manage to answer some of the few million questions I still have in my head. Right now, I still can't get automobiles, credit swaps, political science, among other things.

Some may view my recent academic pursuit as perverse. But frankly, it's just a little thing I happen to like to do. Professors, inventors, scientists, writers, journalists and politicians are all scholars or inquisitive people in their own right. Ever since I stepped into university, there's this sudden interest and gratefulness for my academic education.

Frankly speaking, even though I tend to want to take extended naps and would nod my head in sleepy tandem whenever I open a textbook, I still love the acquisition of knowledge. If only I can install a internet connectivity chip in my brain.

On to more young adult-like behavior, I went running early this morning! Not bad right? I have always been avoiding extensive exercising before breakfast. Well, an attempt to try it out gave me pretty good results today, and I'm kind of looking forward to trying it tomorrow morning again!

And I spent two hours on the new TV series Caprica today. It's a prequel to Battlestar Galactica. But I doubt any of you watched it la. Asians don't really watch American TV that much.

I have been magnifying many things in my computer. IE is set on 125% zoom. PDF are set to fit width. Word is set to 150%. Icons are huge. Taskbar is fat. Although high resolutions are awesome, I think big fonts have been doing my eyes some good lately, especially since I'm going to start doing a ton of reading online.

Oh, all the boring little things that have been happening. I'm sure you are turned off by now. Oh well, no news is good news!

Year 2

2010-01-20T22:23:00.002+08:00

Anyway, I can't imagine it when my senior commented Year 2 was going to be much more shiong.

I'm already at my capacity.

Societal Norms

2010-01-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

Okay, I think it's overdue time that I updated somewhat about my life, provided some of my friends still do read this blog of mine. Actually it's becoming more like a broadcast platform to my friends other than Twitter.

And speaking of Twitter, I haven't been tweeting for the past few days. Doesn't matter. My mind isn't on it anyway.

What my mind is on... was once again, my studies. Been trying to get myself back on track. Aiya, whatever I say also the same one la. I'm always more kiasu than Mr Kiasu, so even if I prepared well for something, I will still say I haven't. Delwynn's nature. So I'm learning to shut up about studies.

Other that that, I went to try out for NTU Open House Ambassadors. As part of the selection process, you must demonstrate certain values the "interviewers" are looking for. We played games, spill out scenario-based solutions and did a role play. Very Organisational Behavior leh.

But the key thought I had was... It was rather strange how people who studied in the same seminar for months could act like cold strangers and suddenly warm up when they are placed into a situation where it is perfectly okay to introduce yourself! Given the alternative, going up to a person in a large seminar and introducing yourself would seem rather weird.

It's strange how societal norms place constrains on us. We could have more friends, more truths revealed, more emotions shared if we just threw all these walls away.

But we never do. What we end up with is things left unsaid, opportunities missed, conflicts, bad emotions and eventually, tons of regrets.

Sad right?

But that's life. Oh well, and moreover, I still got tons of reading before this night is over.

I shall continue blogging another time!

Disengaged!

2010-01-20T08:51:00.001+08:00

FINALLY HEALTHY AGAIN!

Day 1: Sick!

2010-01-11T17:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up with a sore throat. And feeling weak all over. Oh man, what a start to the new semester.

I hope the fever goes away.

Bla Bla Black Sheep

2010-01-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

School will start tomorrow! It's a historical moment once again!

I want to settle my textbooks quickly. Can you come out with your stats course outline now?

And it turns out marketing is using a 2010 edition. I'm sure most of my fellow friends are feeling the need to scold a vulgarity.

Communication fundamentals for the first lesson tomorrow. Must talk more. But it's about career planning tomorrow? And my Group B friends told me just go there shake leg.

2 hours break.

Economics lecture! Well, well, hello old friend! It's time we spend long hours in my bedroom again. Oops, sounds wrong.

And I got an invite to JJ camp. Seeing that no one I know is currently going, I think I will at most attempt to join the JJ night and see the school after 2 years!

And I managed to survive 2 chapters of textbook readings. Hardworking right?

Steamboat on Friday with the cui one, the big head and the fat one. But fat one say got training. :(

NPCC reunion on Saturday!

Thursday breakfast with two very formidable girls.

Wednesday: INSTEP NBS briefing. Should at least check it out right?

Life is about to get busy again. And I think I like it.

Pookah Chalet 2010 and Delwynn 2010

2010-01-09T01:27:00.001+08:00

Chalet turned out to be pretty awesome. We went safe by really buying very, very little BBQ food. And four guys took an hour to start a really pathetic, cannot-make-it, fire. Until Xiang Long came along and taught us the ropes. But by then, we only had a small amount of stuff to cook.

Eventually, we retreated back to our comfy chalet room and decided to play one round of drinking games. Everyone decided to kill our CGL. Poor Mag.

Eventually, we decided to go supper, but not before Alex Neo showed us his arsenal of magic tricks (meant to woo girls one), Sherilyn her "magic tricks" and "accurate" fortune telling methods by the rest.

We ended up eating at Mac because it was already 1am. The Philo seniors came and go. I really thought they were joining us for the whole thing!

Following that, more drinking games. This time, we played 21, another numbers game. Some rules that we initiated, such as the person left of you must also drink when you kana, made us form into two teams strangely. Ha, it was hilarious fun.

The next memory I had was me vomiting outside already. They said I was smooching the cupboard at the end, but I doubt how true that is because I was just camping outside the toilet in case I had to bail.

I eventually collapse on a bed. With no control over my mind, I think I left the other poor sober girls to sleep on the floor. Oops!

I woke to a scandalous statement being shouted, but I shall not comment much here. I think I also told my break up story to everyone. I'm not sure I really did. Can't remember most of what I said!

Pookah decided to have brunch at some horrible Ya Kun copycat. I had terribly terrible chee kueh.

Then the remaining guys, 5 of us actually, decided to make a trip to the cinema. The Vampires show currently showing turned out to be total bore. I predicted every single plot event in the whole movie as we go along and I totally, totally hate spoilt kids being the main characters.

I guess we really are too old for such kiddish movies. Ha. Someone commented it was like watching 2 hours of TV on a big screen.

Unfortunately, the time came when I had to journey back to the west. 1 hour train ride! I couldn't fall asleep at all because I had nothing to lean on. I hope I do not have to make such trips to the east anymore in the near future.

2 more days to start of school. I am going to go get some sort of notice board thing for my desk tomorrow. I need something to paste my post it and stuff on.

Also, buy files for the notes, buy textbooks, print timetable, print notes etc etc. See? Haven't start already got so many to-dos.

I think next year will be pretty awesome.

Two semesters of hard mugging and cunning projects. Ha. Very, very challenging. But that also means I will get to learn a lot. :)

NBS FOC 2010. Despite not having an official post, I think going as a senior attached will be not bad la. Besides, can see chio bu. Free one.

YOG volunteering. Have no idea what a cultural and education programme guide does, but I hope there's plenty of opportunities to meet new people.

Some 21st parties!

My March 25th!

Work, work and work in the summer holidays! No more stupid assignment books writing. They haven't even pay me yet for the last book I finished months ago.

Some school events, like helping out in open house and freshmen days.

IPPT! Not really looking forward, but really wanting to clear it off my mind.

That's pretty much the MAJOR events planned so far. I think I'm looking at more growth and opportunities here than last year. Last year was pretty bad, with me stuck in a hopeless relationship and me chasing stupid stuff.

Alright, 2010, here I come!

Cute!

2010-01-02T11:42:00.001+08:00

My wallpaper that never fails to cheer me up! He's damn cute la. First time say guy cute.

Reflections

2009-12-31T16:09:00.002+08:00

Today marks the last day of 2009, a year of much mistakes and triumphs, which also meant a lot of lessons learnt for yours truly.

Results were released two days ago, and I was tremendously happy that I managed to get a GPA that was equivalent to my hard work. Nonetheless, the important thing was that I managed to prove that I could do it, and that I could stretch my limits. Thus, this new found confidence and belief can now be applied to other areas in my life! Very few things become impossible now.

I began my academic journey in Commonwealth Secondary School. I didn't really do well for my streaming examinations at the end of Secondary level two. I still remembered I didn't bother to study, and instead, read fiction books on the eve of exams themselves. I thought I could figure out all the stuff in the exams themselves. However, it was not to be.

I got results so bad... I fell into the last express class of a neighbourhood school.

But it gave me strength to fight back. By the O levels, I managed to secure an L1R5 of 9.

I applied into ACJC at first, believing a good school would do me good. But, as pressure mounted, I eventually applied into JJC, where friends were plentiful. I thought, it wouldn't matter much what JC I am in right?

I think I would probably never know, but JJC did me a lot of good. It was a casual, non-competitive environment and I learnt to make a lot of friends. Friendship was the theme there, and I enjoyed every moment of my life in JC.

At the end of JC1, I managed to secure good enough grades at the prelims to be exempted from the final examinations altogether, save for GP. We had a policy whereby you did well enough during prelims, you need not take the finals. We were rewarded with a subsidised trip to Medan, Indonesia while others were cramming for their exams. I was proud, maybe too proud.

At the beginning of JC2, my grades were sliding dangerously. I dropped Physics. My Chemistry teacher personally told me off. She mentioned to the class how someone could drop from A to F.

Time was of the essence. I needed to get my thinking straight.

I chose business school because I was interested in money, and subsequently, the dynamics of finance. Office environments appealed to me too. I like the confidence when I'm in formal wear. I like the professionalism displayed at such work environments.

Business schools, however, are notoriously hard to get into.

It was a good thing that I had good friends alongside me who are pursuing their dreams. And we worked hard, real hard together. We knew we had to fight alongside people from top JCs to get in. Eventually we made it. I made it.

National service came... and I was lucky enough to be selected to Taiwan. What happened in the 14 months there drastically darkened me. I had terrible aspects of life. I became skeptical, isolated and selfish.

But it's good now. I'm wisening up and I'm not letting whatever happened at Taiwan affect me anymore.

Eventually, I had to deal with my first break up. Long distance relationships are not meant to be. The issue of trust was the critical element. I'm happier now. Often, when I thought back, times were really tough when I had no more income and we had to Skype to hundreds of dollars every month. It's a story I repeated many times.

I grew wiser after the break up.

School started and I devoted my energy to studying. I loved my course. It felt totally relevant. It paid off. I got a high GPA my family is proud of. What's important was I wanted to prove myself. And in that, I become capable, and I'm more sure I can take of others when I finally grow up.

I'm a prideful person, and in the course of pursuing my goals sometimes, I offend many, many friends. I have taken courses of actions that are selfish in nature.

But life must be a balance. Something we must do what it takes to win. I do not wish to go back to a milder, timid me. I can only push forth, carefully reminding myself all the time that I had to keep everything in balance.

2009 is coming to a close. Holidays have been a good time to rest, and I'm ready for another term.

2010, what are the highlights?

I'm not too sure. But I'm sure life will throw me a few more lessons.

Happy new year!

Don't Reply...

2009-12-27T16:25:00.000+08:00

I have been successfully keeping to my habit of reading the papers everyday (since I'm already so free). Looking at the various issues that ignited various feelings of perhaps injustice or disagreement within myself, I can't help but realise how pointless it is to sometimes get an individual to your point of view (unless there's money involved).

I suppose that in any situation where you are likely to go into an overheated argument of, let say "banning clubbing" because it's "all vice" and "no good", you probably think you know or seen something more than your arguing party.

This, apparently, can be wrong. There's no way of saying who has seen what, and it is even more difficult to judge what experiences deserve credit as a supporting paragraph in your argumentative thesis.

Undoubtably, one can quote statistics, the Wikipedia or even famous experts in the field. The key winning factor would be to quote something from something the opposing party believes in so that, in our local terms, he can be tiam tiam and nothing more to say. I believe in numbers conducted by transparent and accurate surveys (I do recognise most surveys come reported with no indicated of the sampling size or the methods used).

However, it is unlikely that anyone in the right mind can contain substantial information in their brains during casual debating of societal issues, unless you memorise the web or something (yet, with the advancement of techonology, quick searches using your mobile web device may suffice).

My best advice when someone comments verbally or writes about something you feel passionate about? Don't reply... unless you are ready to get into a heated debate. Even so, don't lose your cool. It just isn't... cool.

Don't reply...

Truth

2009-12-20T19:13:00.000+08:00

Men can never survive alone. It leads to insanity, to perverse behavior.

We need to be of something bigger, and in being that, we become something else altogether. We are granted purpose, we are given meaning, and that alone is more power than we need.

Nobility is inspired. Honour arisen. Kindness given.

The Allied efforts in WW2. The crazy strength of people in sleepless FOC. The selfless slogging of a working mother.

We all need to be become something bigger than ourself.

Totally It

2009-12-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

Oh my god... The Hangover. Should have at least watched with my friends or something. It's an awesome movie with a cheerful ending.

Anyway, here comes Friday again. Got my "pay" from brother today. Still relatively poor, sadly.

Canvassing on Sunday. Time to do some work!

I think I want to party soon. Anyone? Inspired!

Wishes

2009-12-17T00:53:00.000+08:00

I never really had much of headaches before.

But now, one's throbbing at the back of my head. Insane pain.

ARGH!

On a happier note, Christmas is next Friday! So fast! Must... eat... turkey... Must... drink... wine.

In addition, I wish for:

1. Good results
2. Good health
3. Motivation for IPPT training
4. A fabulous Christmas celebration!

Can't wait for the festives!

NBS Bash

2009-12-13T04:15:00.000+08:00

It didn't turn out the way we expected.

But it was nonetheless something to remember.

I went easy on the alcohol this time. I got tipsy, but recovered completely towards the end. In fact, I was the one taking care of people this time round.

I'm thankful I got to feel what people felt when I was dead drunk.

Sorry, friends. I promise never to get drunk ever again, with the best of my ability.

Only when you fall into darkness, are you qualified to comment about it.

Effort

2009-12-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

The law of economics dictate that everything in life is a matter of trade-off. Want something, you give up money and thus incur opportunity cost. Neglect your studies now, and you suffer in days ahead. Brush off your friends now, and you find yourself the loneliest person on Earth.

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

Such an equilibrium exists. Then, no matter what we do, wouldn't it be pointless as the sum of the equation would always be the same at the end of the day?

Religion preaches that endless rewards would occur at the end of a long struggle called life. Secularists are not so fortunate. To us, the equation takes place within life. It does not lie beyond it.

As such, only when there is a way to increase the sum of the equation can we truly justify the reasons why we fight for a better life. Or else, everything's pointless.

I have a strong belief that a metaphorical sense of time value of money exists when applied to life. Invest in hard work now, and you reap more than portionate rewards in the far future.

That is the cornerstone of finance.

Hard work and effort. I think there's increasingly more ways I can take my life into my own hands.

Take for example, I want more fulfilling friendships. And gasp, even attempt to fall into a good relationship. I want to cultivate hobbies and skills. I want to become fitter.

All these requires me to stop being lazy and start investing every second of my time now.

It's time to work harder, not just on studies, but on my life.

Numbers, graphics and data

2009-12-11T15:06:00.000+08:00

Spreadsheets, databases, powerpoints etc. have always been a pain to get done well.

Good thing I like computers. Or else I did be tearing the CPU out of the motherboard by now.

New New New!

2009-12-11T02:27:00.000+08:00

I love new stuff.

A new web page design (Reuters, CNN etc), a new software (Office 2010), a new game (Left 4 Dead 2), a new book, a new favourite food etc.

The list would probably never end.

New, better stuff is always good. And I think we should all strive to continuously improve all our belongings.

That's probably why I'm updating this blog now.

I think it's time for a blogskin change too!

A Sexist Statement

2009-12-10T22:54:00.002+08:00

Finally... a cooling fan that doesn't sound like a construction site.

$25!

Seeing all those fancy cooling fans priced at $50-80 didn't tempt at all. I have been pursuing practicability over aesthetics.

If only you can do that with women... (OOPS!)

Pre-resolutions

2009-12-10T11:39:00.000+08:00

Only 50 posts this year so far? Gosh, this is terribly bad of my exhibitionist nature.

2010 is coming. 2 more years to 2012 and we will see whether the Mayan apocalypse is correct.

Christmas. How to spend it? Wei Liang will go out with girlfriend, confirm. Rubbish, crossed out. BFFs have their dates and church activities, crossed out. Family never celebrates Xmas, crossed out. Classmates have their own lives in the east, crossed out.

Hmmmm.... Not looking good.

New Year Eve. Okay... maybe I can get invited to some count down somewhere. *hint hint*

Resolutions for 2010:

- Mug harder, if that's even humanly possible.

- Be involved in something. CCA or whatever.

- Get some metallic award for IPPT

- Read more (like very boring ah? but I like la)

- Make pancakes, prawn oglio and muffins

- Attend NBS FOC as a senior (wahaha, all the cute little girls... did I say that out loud?)

- Get a stable job during summer holidays

That's about all I can think of.

Hmm, not very interesting...

Two Face Delwynn

2009-12-10T11:28:00.001+08:00

My mood seemed to be an emotionally roller-coaster throughout the day. In the morning, I wake up refreshed and ready to tackle any challenge. By late afternoon, my emotions began to calm down and my mind begins to slack. Finally, when deep night approaches, my mood makes a turn for the worst.

Okay, it's going to change, starting from today.

I'm gonna find something to do at night!

Went out with a best female friend (wah, I also got BFF okay, don't play play) to visit another BFF yesterday. Needless to say, I always enjoy their company. Maybe it's because I don't see them often and every time I see them, something has changed in all our lives and it's always so interesting to converse over the diverse topics available. But I think I'm scaring people with my overly zealous thinking about my life. I probably should appear to be normal and having some fun in my life to my friends from now on.

Still trying to figure out how to use the Bloomberg Terminal. I think I was stupid enough not to consult Google yesterday. Now armed with an informative PDF, I'm gonna pawn that news service.

It's been a week and a day since exams ended. Still, nothing major has been accomplished, which is good la, since it's a break I'm taking. I think I need to plan my timetable soon anyway.

I also need to buy a cooling fan, one that doesn't make a drilling noise every time I use it (like the one I'm currently owning). Or else my computer gonna explode from heating up sooner or later.

Why do I always wake up feeling that I was an idiot the previous night?

This despite being drunk or not even inhaling a cubic of alcohol.

I think I got split personalities.

First Week

2009-12-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

Thank goodness, I finally have my internet back, albeit in the new service provided by Singtel (previously from Starhub) now.

Been clearing away some stuff for the past few days and trying to recover from my indigestion. Suffice to say, throwing away her stuff made me felt better. There's no point in keeping them. With the last item down the rubbish chute, I'm finally able to declare myself as "moved on".

The post-exam activity for our classmates didn't turn out as well as I intended. My steamboat literally exploded, causing a blackout when almost all the food wasn't cooked yet. What resulted was a torturous session for Jin Jie and Matthew as they desperately try to churn out food fast enough to satisfy us over the gas stoves. Definitely not what I had in mind...

Alcohol session also didn't out the way I had envisioned. I couldn't control myself on the hard liquor again and ended up collapsing on the floor merely a few hours past midnight. Suffice to say, no more alcohol for such an addict in the foreseeable future.

I'm less than a week into the holidays, and I haven't really done the things I wanted to do yet.

Time Machine

2009-12-03T23:41:00.000+08:00

Sucks not to have my wireless back. Still hiding in the living room relying on some unknown neighbour's wireless (yes I know it's illegal), but I really got nothing to do at this weird hour.

Have been trying to get rid of my hangover the whole day. Highly dehydrated. Now I'm finally awake and left with nothing to do... much.

Oh well, there is something to do. Something like clean up the room, read my Kiterunner book and all... Thing is... no mood. It probably has to do with my sickly body now. I promise to start my training tomorrow morning.

Now that exams are over and I'm finally able to relax myself... The irony is, I feel rather empty and directionless without my competitive streak pushing on. The fact that I woke up lying on the floor with a blanket over me makes me wonder how come I'm so touched by such a simple act of kindness. Somehow, someway, in my twisted self, I lost touch with "the warmth in life".

Most of the classmates are back to the east. And frankly, it sucks. I don't know who to talk to, don't know who to meet... Most of my old friends probably have their new lives after my disappearing act for the whole year. Somehow, connections were severed this morning. I feel like I'm all alone in the west again and with my mum still on the cruise, this makes it all the more lonely.

Kathryn mentioned about losing herself when university started, about being strangely less happy than before without identifiable reasons why. Frankly, I have no idea what happened to me too. My determination to quit alcohol will help and a little time to soul search this holidays would do be some good.

But at the end of the day... I just need a time machine to set some things right. I think I have a tendency to attract misfortune wherever I go.

Anger

2009-12-03T16:30:00.000+08:00

Alcoholic. I think I'm one. How many times have I been unable to stop and ended up losing one big chunk of memory?

It's time to quit it.

Don't ya ya. The fact that you don't drink doesn't mean you know what it means to fight an addiction.

One More Day!

2009-12-01T22:26:00.001+08:00

Content subjects: Read, apply and question.

Calculation subjects: Practise, practise and practise.

Will this be a lesson with a heavy price?

It seems like it's human nature to keep saying die already lah, I'm gonna flunk the exams, etc etc whenever you finish and are about to sit for a paper. Perhaps it alleviates us with a sense that if we are without confidence, we would ironically do better than we think!

I have no understanding of this psychological trend. But the fact is, it has occurred in every one of us.

I have seen geniuses who scored near full marks in their previous tests say they are gonna flunk all their exams. Now there seemed to be a weird contradiction. By predicting you will flunk your exams, are you saying your full marks was indicative of a flunk?

I bet this is a really touchy issue nowadays. If you are already doing better than the others in terms of mid terms and quizzes, constantly announcing doomsday is near will probably annoy the hell out of people who haven't done very well.

I'm guilty of saying I'm going to fail when deep down, I know, a large part of me says I have done pretty well.

There are various reasons why I did it. Maybe I want you to console me by saying it's going to be alright, "look you are smart!", "aiya, you can't fail one la" or maybe I just want the guy up there to not punish me contrarily when I keep hao-lianing I am confident I will pass with flying colours. Sounds familiar? I'm sure many of you are guilty as me for doing all these.

With all the uncertainty that will harbour us for the whole month before the results are released, I'm not sure I'm going to go through the holidays with nary a nightmare of worry. But whatever it is, I can do nothing about it. Suck thumb and keep my uncertain side down.

Tomorrow will be my last paper and I'm pretty confident at this stage, despite panicking earlier when I attempted my first trial exam paper at 4pm. Practice really do wonders. Somehow, it tunes your brain to better tackle the questions that you come across. As such, at the end of the day, you can study smart, but you can't do without the basic practising in all subjects.

Will be spending post-exams with classmates tomorrow. Alcohol... hmmm... Thank goodness these guys and girls are more accepting towards the forbidden drink than my major social circle. Not to say I despise my other friends for not drinking. Everyone's got their own preferences (got to say these before some jellyfish start hunting me). But drinking's really DAMN fun in the right conditions.

Gosh, I so feel like clubbing. But there's no way I can let loose my inhibitions in a club with people I will study for another semester. At most get the guys to go only.... HAHA. Cannot spoil image.

I don't know whether clubbing with Pookah at NBS Bash will be awkward. After not seeing them for so long (yes, it's my fault for being the "lost soul"), they will probably not recognise me. I'm really afraid I did end up sitting at one corner or bouncing up and down at one corner of the dancefloor looking lame.

Ahhh... I hope we come out with something awesome to do while drinking tomorrow. Let not the forbidden drink go to waste: Lord Delwynn, Master of Drinks.

Joke, joke, don't come suing me for defamation, ridicule or some other tort.

A Hungry Break

2009-11-30T17:47:00.000+08:00

Due to some weird error, my iTunes keep popping out and playing songs when I'm studying. Very creepy.

Anyway, tada, two days to the end! Can't wait already. Nevermind the anxiety, the uncertainty about the results. Look to the future! Time to play... almost.

It's a bit weird that I keep getting hungry when I'm spending most of the time sitting down. But then... I have no idea what to eat. Is it time to revive my failed culinary aspirations? Hmm...

Anyway, two chapters of law left! I know I keep getting slower but I really can't get anything in anymore.

And wow, why does NTU release results days before New Year's Eve? Sure is a way to "reflect" on your goals and resolutions.

I want my dinner. Super, duper hungry...

Remedies

2009-11-29T22:49:00.001+08:00

Lounge music... Thanks! Now I can concentrate better!

Dreaming of Sunlight

2009-11-29T21:09:00.002+08:00

9.04pm. 5 chapters of business law to go. Woah. I want to finish contract law by tonight. At the rate of things, I think I'm too slow. Ha.

I think I miss my mum already. Home feels empty with just one less person. Maybe it's because I'm studying and as I look into the living room, it's relatively empty. Not really used to it. Anyway, one week more and she will be back!

Nightmares constantly. I dreamt of some kind of ghost blasting into my face this morning. There was this bright light it emitted. I opened my eyes, and I realised it was just the sunlight streaming in. Ouch.

I'm so excited of post-exam!!! :)

Chicken Boy

2009-11-29T09:57:00.000+08:00

It wasn't something I did normally do, but I went ahead and attended a party three days before a major exam anyway. Was I taking my studies too lightly? I was personally anxious during the whole party itself, and didn't manage to even have the appetite to eat anything when my mind was on the books.

Nonetheless, it was good to see them again. Same old faces, new changes.

Anyway, two days left. I have done what I can for FM under the limited time. Good luck to myself, for I really have no time for the exam papers. It's really time to move on to business law.

Mother's went on cruise yesterday, so I'm gonna be taking care of my meals for a while now. But when I'm busy, you know what happens... I tend to skip meals. Ha, look forward to a thinner me.

Chicken essence is helping! I actually managed to cram in 2 hours of work even after returning home from Paya Lebar yesterday night at midnight! Not bad huh! But I can't rely on it forever la. Either I will go bankrupt or I will become a chicken addict.

It's good that I haven't been emo-ing these few days. Time to stop.

Anyway, one of my friends, a year 3 Accountancy managed to secure a GPA of 4.8 so far! And she did a 4.7 during semester 1! Oh gosh. Does it mean I can do it too? Haha. Stop dreaming, Delwynn. I probably have to sacrifice my bathing time even for that.

All right, work work.

A Fabulous Steamboat?

2009-11-27T15:12:00.000+08:00

Okay, it's now Friday and the exams period (inclusive of revision times) are more or less going to be over at long last! Finance didn't turn out as anatogonising to revise as accounting. It's probably due to my greater interest in finance and the fact I haven't really touch the past year exam papers yet.

One more day of FM and I should be able to skip forth to business law! I think the greatest challenge would be to balance speedy handwriting and decipherable wordings during that two and a half hours. I hope whoever's marking my paper don't get totally pissed off and just marked me a zero for that question. Ha.

Well, at least I manage to pass through A levels with my pathetic exam-time handwriting. I don't realyl know what's the problem. Should I get a gel pen later? Maybe I did write faster with it than the current 0.38 pen I'm writing with.

I will be dropping down to Sin Kuan's 21st tomorrow at some faraway eastern place. Not good. I'm probably going to be stuffing my head into the law textbook in the MRT. I really, really hope there's seats for me this time round. I don't want to end up with two broken legs again.

I'm holding a steamboat at my house on the very day of end-of-exams. Crazy right? We would probably be racing to get the soup base done and buy all the stuff we need. I think we will probably buy a bomb's worth of stuff. Ha. And Eileen will be staying back to clean the kitchen by herself, so no problem with the aftermath thing. I really hope someone knows what to buy and what to do with the steamboat. My mum wouldn't be around!

Alright, a few more questions and I'm gonna get to buying some food for my deprived stomach.

Faith

2009-11-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

Loneliness. Incompetence. Anger. Temptation. Competition. Betrayal. Anxiety. Arrogance. Negligence. Tears.

Hope. Joy. Beauty. Friendship. Birth. Family. Success. Laughter.

I made a few difficult choices this year.

I'm coming to something.

Hopeless

2009-11-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm still making careless mistakes and unable to do some problems at the 11th hour.

I got over-arrogant.

Anger

2009-11-25T17:17:00.002+08:00

Okay, stop. Retrieve all that shit about excelling, being extraordinary crap...

After all, I'm still miserable. I'm not a single bit thankful because I'm over-estimating myself.

I forgot where I came from.

Screw myself.

Pig

2009-11-25T15:00:00.001+08:00

I... must... sleep less.

Success

2009-11-25T02:29:00.002+08:00

Two choices of the future if the undesirable happens:

1. Work harder by being extraordinary.

2. Give up and be ordinary.

I choose an extraordinary life.

Maybe it's because I have nothing else more important. Pathetic.